Vaman's Mind Marinades

Project PUSH Forward Update

2009-11-05T00:43:00.000-08:00

Thanks for all the love regarding Project PUSH Forward. Sorry I've been away for a while. First off, I'd like to allow time for more people to join, so I'm going to continue the challenge until Tuesday, December 8th.

As far as scoring goes, it shouldn't be a competition. It's also not meant to be super regimented. The point is to find balance by forcing yourself to categorize positive and negative activities in your life. Feel free to score however you like too. We all value things differently, so it makes sense to me to make your own scoring system. I wanted it to be simple and I didn't want to think about the scoring all the time, so I've been giving myself 1 point for roughly every hour I complete a PUSH forward activity and subtracting 3 points for every PULL back act. STAKES IS HIGH homey!

One common question I've gotten:

"Is facebook a PUSH forward or a PULL back?"

Facebook is a complicated animal. You know when you get on facebook and you catch up on what people are doing? You wish Billy a Happy Birthday. You read about Obama doing something quirky. PUSH forward my friends. But wait. Then there's the point where you're looking to see what people are up and you start wishing you were doing what they were doing. You start checking out profiles to see what the girl/guy you got your eye on are up to. That's a PULL back!

I'll start posting my daily activities and scores next week. Until then I'd love to hear about what you consider PUSH forwards or PULL backs.

Also, I'd like to welcome the Small World's newest citizen, Mr. Henry Bailey.

Project PUSH Forward

2009-10-26T07:13:00.000-07:00

To me, ideas are like appetizers. Strike that. To me, ideas are like those little taste samples at Costco. To all my Indian readers, Costco is like a giant Big Bazaar, where they often hand out tiny hot samples of their food (they also sell amazing hot dogs with a soda for $1.50!). You rarely end up buying the full blown version of the frozen chicken enchiladas you just ate but a lot of times the tiny morsel makes me think of something else you’d like to buy or helps you remember something you forgot to buy. Sometimes the value of an idea is not in whether people believe in it or not. Value lies in the ability of an idea to make people hungry for something. Value often lies in the questions and concepts that result from a given idea.

That being said, I’d like to present a tiny new dish for you today.

This Friday, October 30, I’m going to try a cracked out version of my 30-day challenges, Project PUSH Forward. For those of you not familiar with these challenges, every now and then I like to create 30-day experiments for myself. In the past, I've become vegetarian for a month (which led to me being vegetarian for a year), cooked everything I ate for a month, ran two miles a day for a month, sent two personal emails a day for a month and a bunch more. Over the years, I've learned more about myself through these challenges than anything else I’ve experienced. They’re not about depriving myself and they're not about testing my discipline. They’re about isolating a part of my life and becoming conscious about it. They're about being extreme for a short amount of time in the hopes of finding a long-lasting balance.

So the newest challenge? I’m going to keep score of my life for a month (smile). Hey, don’t laugh. Hear me out. Here’s how it’s going to work:

I sat down a while back and made a list of buckets that daily activities would fit into. For example, playing basketball would fit under the ‘Fitness’ bucket and cooking would fall into a ‘Food’ bucket. I came up with 8-10 buckets. Then using the buckets as a starting point, I brainstormed a lot of the common activities I do. For example, the ‘Fitness’ bucket has ‘playing basketball’ and ‘going for a run’ in it and the ‘Finance’ bucket has ‘taking a taxi’ in it. I then went through the list and categorized each activity as either positive (which I call PUSHes forward) or negative (which I call pull backs). Positive activities are actions that are productive (don’t think of productivity in the traditional sense. To me going out for drinks and being social is productive, so is therefore positive. Going out for drinks and drinking so much I lose half of the next day feels like a step back and is, therefore, negative.). I’m going to spend the rest of the week deciding on point values for each activity. From Friday onwards I’m going to keep track of my actions during the day and tally my positive and negative points at the end of each day.

As robotic as this all sounds, the challenge is going to make me decide how to spend my time. It's going to force me to think about the opportunity cost of my actions and although that's not incredibly sexy, I think it's going to cut out a lot of things I do subconsciously and don't actually enjoy that much and free up more time for fun shit!

So what's the motivation? We live in an age where we have become so overwhelmed with future goals and talking about what's on the horizon that we are rarely are in the moment anymore. What's up with that? We complain about our situation instead of taking the tiny steps needed to move towards our goals. We also go through the motions of so many things in our lives. This is my attempt to be more conscious of those things in my life. It's an attempt to stop talking about the life I want to live and instead to be proactive with small steps each day towards actually living that life.

I've included some of the buckets and actions I've come up with below. I plan on adding to the list throughout the week. You're all welcome to join the madness too. You got till Friday to come up with buckets and activities to fill the buckets. I'll post my updated list on Friday and we'll see where this craziness leads.

And remember, this is not about depriving myself of actions. I'm not trying to become lame! Negative things are necessary. This is about balance. Whether you want to join or not, I hope this was at least a little snack to whet your appetite.

PUSHes forward

Community: volunteering,

Exploring: visiting art galleries, seeing a new part of town, photography,

Fitness: playing basketball, going on a run

Eats: cooking

Language: studying Hindi, studying Kannada

Martha Stewart: cleaning the house, doing laundry before all the clothes are dirty

Reading: books, the paper, blogs

Writing: blog posts, short stories, personal emails

Pull backs

Finance: taking a taxi when I don’t need to

Fitness: napping during the day,

Eats: drinking enough to cut way into the next day, eating right before going to bed

Barefoot

2009-09-22T05:13:00.001-07:00

I stood there with no shoes on. Feet were all dirty and wet. They had been that way for the last two days or so. I couldn’t find my shoes! The only sounds were the lazy raindrops that had yet made their way to the pavement from the roof.

I sat on the bus ride from Bangalore to Puttur (a small town near Mangalore) and thought hard about life. Somewhere along the 8 hour ride, I fell asleep and woke up to a faint sunrise and the familiar billboards painted with Konkani-sounding last names near the main Puttur bus stand. A short rikshaw ride later I was laying down next to a bunch of family and faded to sleep to the chatter of them catching up on the events of the last few days. I woke up a few hours later to the sounds of one very special little person. One of the main motivations for moving to India was to have a connection to the next generation of kids in my family. Last time I visited, my cousin's daughter didn't recognize me at all!I jumped out of bed and jumped into the family room. She kinda looked up at me with super droopy sleepy eyes and super curly hair. I reached into my backpack and pulled out the pink butterfly wristband I had gotten her months before in anticipation of seeing her. She screamed with the kind of excitement that only a 3 year old year could muster, "BUTTTTTTTTERFLY!" and then laughed and smiled a lot. Her grandma asked her if she recognized me and she said, "GULLIMAAAM." (My nickname is Gulli and maam means uncle).

Bout an hour later I was sitting out on the stoop. When I'm older, I hope to have a stoop half as amazing as this stoop. It has a 3-person bench swing that's surrounded by lush garden plants and overlooks a bright red clay field that's circled by coconut trees. Next to me was a woman that might as well be my third grandma. I sat and read a magazine as she strung together a bunch of jasmine flowers for her hair. Between our individual activities we chatted about our favorite things to cook and eat. She gave me lots of old school cooking advice and I filled her in on some of the San Ramon Kamath home brews and kitchen remixes. We also complained about how some people just totally mess up certain recipes. I kinda felt like an old grandma for a little bit. It was awesomely weird. In one of the rooms in the house, her husband is bedridden and not doing so well. I still remember when he was the lion of their family. When I was super little, he would hold my hand and walk me into the middle of town. He seemed to know everyone along the way.

My plan for the rest of the trip was to enjoy the festivities for Ganapathi Chathurti, a Hindu festival celebrating the birth of Lord Ganesha. There were so many great moments on that Sunday of poojas. Families that hold poojas in their homes will sculpt their own Ganeshas out of clay. The level of detail in the sculptures is always amazing and this year it was pretty cool to see that the next generation of kids had taken over a lot of the sculpting process. There was delicious food and lots of relatives. There was an overwhelming sense of community everyone around town. The list of cool shit is quite long. I may or may not remember all of that. What I will remember though is something that happened at the very end of the night.

The day had begun around 5am for most people. Most people had helped build something, cook something, move something or partaken in some other odd job. People were exhausted and it must have been around 11pm. There was a pooja for my immediate family and I went up to the altar to accept the fruits and flower offerings. Whenever I get something in a temple, I quickly hand it over to my aunt because I don't know what to do. She's quite a woman. She's always making sure that EVERYONE else eats or everyone else is taken care of before she worries about herself. I handed her the platter and she took a banana for herself. It might not sound that crazy but she really never takes anything for herself without offering it to someone else first. She turned around, walked over to the servant that was sitting in the corner (hidden away from most people. she had been working hard since the morning too) and gave her the banana. I've seen a few home owners offer their servants food but I've never seen someone offer a servant an offering from a pooja. I felt pretty proud of my aunt.

India's not about perfection. It's a country that forces you to evolve and adapt and adjust to find happiness. If you don't allow yourself to be flexible, you're not going to survive. I have to remind myself of that almost everyday as something or other is always frustrating the hell out of me. I have to remind myself that it's about appreciating the everyday magic that only happens in simple interactions.

We ate dinner and everyone went off to bed. I walked back down the dark narrow corridor between houses. My family has lived in that house for generation after generation and I thought about how many people had walked the same path.

The rainwater had built a shallow puddle in front of our house. The water washed some of the dirt off that had build up on my feet. I stood there with no shoes on. Feet were all dirty and wet. For the first time I forgot about my shoes. I looked out into the courtyard, turned off the patio light and went to bed.

Modern Day Sanctuary

2009-07-20T04:36:00.000-07:00

When I first moved to Chicago, I had a lot of trouble finding positive outlets. I didn't know a lot of people and didn't know the area very well. The combination of spending a lot of time in my head and not having a place to release that energy was a really lonely feeling. I wouldn't want that feeling ever again but I ended up learning a lot about myself, those first few months out there. As self-defined as I feel sometimes, it's hard to go weeks without your regular outlets. I can't get in my car and go for a drive. I've spent the last four days looking for a basketball court and everyone one I find is either private or has no rims. (I actually went into a bar the other day that had one on their patio. I must have looked like a little kid because I was so excited). You can't run on the street because it's uneven and stray dogs would chase you. My computer and internet have not been working for the last few days. So I have felt a little trapped.

I've been having fun going out and exploring some of the nightlife here. When your outlets and your social scene become the same space though, it's usually not a good thing. So this lack of outlets at the moment got me thinking about the places in my life that help me release.

If you had to name 5 places that you consider your personal sanctuaries (places of peace, places of intense rest, places to refresh) , what would they be? What do they have in common?

I'm excited to ask people here this question because I have no idea what they're going to say. Older folks might say their temple or ashram but I don't understand yet where younger people go to recenter themselves. I'm kind of scared that they won't have an answer or that they're going to say something messed up.

I've been thinking about my list the last couple days. Here it is:

Two of my sanctuaries, interestingly enough, are temples. My family in India visits one of the temples every morning (as they've done for over a hundred years). It's quiet and people don't bother you to make donations. One corner of the temple is outside and surrounded by palm trees. I like to sit out there during the day and just take the day in. I've only been to the other temple a few times but it has the same intense quiet feel to it. You can hear yourself move around and if you sit still, you can hear yourself breath. Neither temple actively asks you to donate and the priests are super laid back.

I thought I would lead with the temples, since I'm in India. The rest of the locations on the list come from back home.

Two of the remaining three are taquerias (are you surprised?). Pollo Vagabundo (Elmhurst, Illinois) and Angela's Burrito Style (Chicago, Illinois). Carlos' food at Pollo has made me happy in my worst moods. I usually get up four or five times to hit the salsa bar. I believe in the healing properties of his salsa. After eating, I go to the counter and talk to him about life for a little bit and then head out totally refreshed. I've written about the other taqueria before. Guerzo, the owner of Angela's, became part of my family in Chicago. His taqueria was right down the street and we would talk about all sorts of stuff when I was in there. Both places were such escapes from my normal life.

The last sanctuary is a basketball court. There is one particular court in my hometown that I've spent years of my life on. My buddy David and I joke that no other humans have spent as much time on that court as us! (it's true!). I started playing ball on the court when I was 5 or 6 and it's still one of the first places I go to when I go home. So many conversations and memories about life have gone down there.

There's something about each place that quiets my mind and makes me feel free. I hope I find some new places in my journey out here. So, what are your sanctuaries?

Entitled

2009-07-05T11:34:00.001-07:00

I consider myself a very open-minded and accepting person. I love learning about other cultures and about other religions. There is one group though that I've been rather closed-minded about in the past. Growing up they were never around. I had only heard stories. I knew my first full-blown exposure to them would be in college. Before I left for school, I asked a few people I respected about them. "They're drama," they said, "be careful." Or, "the guys like to get in fights," said another person. "Fights?!" I asked. "Yeah, knife fights," they said (were the Indians at UT hella shady in the late 90s or something? did they like to get stabby?). I know some of you that know me well are laughing right now. I'm talking about Indian kids in America.

To be honest, I unfairly grouped them all together when I was younger. I decided they were all into bhangra and superficial Indian culture and didn't really have an interest in India itself. That was really unfair of me. I think a little part of me will always wonder what it would have been like to get involved with the community in college. For some reason though, I just never identified with them. I didn't understand that people were able to be outwardly Indian and still balance their non-Indian sides. I saw a few people wanting to be around people with whom they felt a common connection.

I still didn't get it. I never felt like a minority. Sure, there were times growing up here and there and being teased but it never registered with me. It's interesting because I've talked to people that have also grown up in towns where their ethnicity is the extreme minority and people seem to either feel very welcome or very alienated. Either way, outside my house, I was just another one of the guys and inside my house I was Konkani and wanted to marinate on all things Indian. I didn't think I could be very Indian and very American at the same time. I identified with my Konkani culture strongly at home and didn't think about it much outside our house. The three have always been separate in my head. (interesting side question for you: "If you had to choose between calling yourself American or whatever ethnicity, culture, etc you identify with, which would you choose?" Without hesitation, I am American. I'm very proud of that and I hate when my parents make a separation between me and "Americans."

So why am I bringing up my past reservations here? Because I know I have unfairly judged in the past and I've grown a lot since then. I've come to India with an entirely open-minded. (I've also pinpointed what it is that bugs me about those few that do actually suck. I'll get to that in a bit). I'm hoping to meet at least a few of the Indian-Americans out here and I've done my best to erase my reservations. I'm excited to meet the folks out here. Really excited! The idea of hanging out with mostly Indian people still really weirds me out but I'm getting more used to it. Interestingly, locals weird me out much less than people from the states.

So let's get back to those few that suck. The last few days, I've been thinking about what it is that annoys me about certain Indian people I know. Revelation. I realized that it's a trait common to most people I don't care for back home. They all seem to live life with a sense of entitlement.

In the states, I'd be in a bar or a club and the Indian people I'm with or another group of Indian people, more often than not, would get into an argument with a server or a bartender or a valet driver. Acting like they were better than the workers. Acting like the worker was extremely subordinate. I'm starting to notice it here too. There is a HUGE class distinction between customer and server here. It really fucking bothers me. It might be the thing that's the hardest for me to accept. I worked at Carl's Junior when I was younger and to know that some service workers support their families through that work has stuck with me. I think about that every time I go out. I think it's important to remember that people are people and to not wholeheartedly buy into the whole customer/server power relationship. (By the way, if you're taking notes at home, a huge turn on to me is when ladies are super loving and respectful to service people.)

A little while before I left Chicago, I ran into my buddy Vivek at a party. He's been living in Mumbai for the last few years and just came back to the states recently. He says, "Hey Vaman. Remember what you said about the Indian kids in college?" I laughed nervously and thought, "Good god, that could be anything." He said, "You said you felt like a rebel. Like an outsider." But it's true. That is how I felt. I know now that it was mostly my own fault. I never tried to connect with them. I totally judged them all based on the few wack people I knew.

The great thing about life is that you can have realizations and evolve as a person. I know you can outwardly celebrate multiple cultures. I plan on giving people a second chance and treating people as individuals instead of labeled members of a group. Oh wait, unless I meet you and you're wearing a very unbuttoned vertical stripe shirt with overly moussed hair. Vivek has assured me that those dudes do not decide to work in India. I'm kidding, you guys are cool too.

My First 10 Days

2009-06-30T21:10:00.000-07:00

People like to joke with me that things I get myself into resemble a movie (is it a romantic comedy, a drama or a thriller?). I don't know how true that is or how much I actively try to put myself in ridiculous situations. Either way, the first 10 days in India did not disappoint.

I came here for two main reasons: 1) I've always wanted to live in India 2) My obsession is helping people create and deliver a clear message and there's a huge market for that here. You know how when you move though, you have things you're excited about experiencing once you get to the new place? I had lots of those.

Well, on my second day here, I heard some bad news about one of the activities I was hoping to spend a good deal of my free time on. I had imagined how great the experience would be. To see it kind of fall through before I really settled in was really disappointing. You know when you let yourself get excited about an event or an activity prematurely? How much does that suck? At this point, I definitely felt uneasy. To make things worse, I had to board a 12 hour bus ride to Goa. I fell asleep and woke up on a sunny morning.

Life is funny. Sometimes the smallest events (or people) can offer the most perspective. I arrived at my cousins' place in Goa to see their baby daughter sleeping. She's a tiny little thing with super curly hair. I wasn't sure if she'd remember me after 3 months. She woke up and was super shy for a few minutes. Then she finally looked at me and said, "GULLLLI!" (That's what my family and old time friends call me. My middle name is Gururaj and my sister couldn't pronounce it and said Gulli instead. All the little kids here call me GULLLLI). I hung out with her the entire day. At one point, she stood on a pillow and screamed, "Haav big usa!" (which means I'm big) and then she jumped off the pillow and screamed, "Haav saan usa!" (which means I'm small). We both couldn't stop laughing.

Later that night, my cousin took me out to the coast. We stood on the beach under a sky full of stars. I kind of smiled to myself and thought, "I am standing at the Arabian Sea looking at stars." We ate ridiculous seafood and drank our share of Kingfisher outside near the beach that night.

To get a kid's world view and then to experience the universe, in a sense, on the same day was a great feeling. The next few days were filled with a really fun wedding in Goa (filled with some amazing conversations with a really diverse crowd), a sunrise conversation with a good friend back home and more cousin time. I boarded my bus back to Bangalore excited to sleep. As soon as I sat down, the guy next to me started chatting me up. This is rare but I was pretty annoyed at first. That is until this guy started telling me about his life.

If my time in India had not already been surreal enough, get this story! He's a fish salesman in Panjim, the capital of Goa. He wakes up at 2 or 3 am every morning to take a bus to Margao, a neighboring town, to buy fresh fish. He works 6 days a week. One day a white looking dude was walking around the fish market and points over at him. Turns out the guy is a director and casts this boy for a part in an independent film. I was really skeptical of the story. I ate dinner with him that night at a rest stop (where he offered to pay) and he told me about his experience at SUNDANCE! Then he showed me a magazine with his picture on the cover. Anyway, his life has been less than wonderful. He's dealt with all sorts of shit most of us never have to think about. He's not well off by any means. He gave the money he made from the movie to his mom and sisters and kept a little for himself. He was on his way to an interview about the movie in Bangalore. I was really happy for him.

I spent the next night at another cousin's house. She kept telling stories as I was falling asleep. She was speaking in Konkani and it felt like she was telling us a bedtime story. After a while, she turned to my unmarried cousin and said, "You know what your problem is?" I thought, "Oh Lord, here we go with some wedding stuff." She backtracked a little and said, "You know what all of our problems are? Whether we choose to participate or sit back and watch, life is still moving on. Sometimes an event occurs. Sometimes something bad happens. We get so stuck on the outcome of that event that we stop participating. Life is going to go on either way. You guys should participate."

I have a bunch of other posts coming up about business prospects that are in the works, food, bathroom adventures, and lots of other stuff. After 10 days though, what have I learned? Life brings about events that are both good and bad. More often than not, we don't have control over the outcome of an event. We do however, have control over how we react to that outcome. We have control over what we learn and that allows us to become proactive in the future. I don't know if I've ever been this excited about something I've worked on. I know that all of my expectations are not going to get met. Movies always have twists and turns though right? Just wait until you see the surprise ending.

Welcome to India

2009-06-30T20:44:00.001-07:00

I kept telling people that everything wouldn't hit me until I got off the plane in Bangalore. Strangely, I got off the plane and felt normal, almost comfortable. I stood outside waiting for my ride and that's when things sunk in. I saw a Kati Roll, which reminded me of New York and people back home. Then I heard a family speaking a language I didn't recognize and then laughing together. I looked around and EVERYONE was Indian! I mean every last person. I started thinking about how much I was going to miss diversity and peoples' sense of humor back home. That night I got to my uncle's place and ate an amazing Konkani (the language of my people) dinner. I went to my bathroom, turned on the light, said what's up to my roommates (the two cochroaches that I knew would be in the bathroom everynight), and got completely naked to use the bathroom. The bathoom situation out here deserves it's own future post! I looked in the mirror, kind of laughed, turned off the light and went to bed.

Storytelling and the Mind's Eye Picasso

2009-05-14T13:32:00.000-07:00

"Our eyes are basically a window from which we view the world. The collection of our experiences create the back story with which we define what it is we're seeing, feeling, and interacting with at any given moment."

I wish I made that up but I didn't. The concept was brought up during a class discussion back in the day and was apparently profound enough to stick in my head this long. The statement is not all that accurate though.

Here's another attempt:
"Our eyes are basically a peephole through which we view the world. The collection of our direct experiences and the narratives we've been offered by the people around us create the back story with which we define what it is we're seeing, feeling, and interacting with at any given moment."

From a window to a peephole is better but I'm still not too excited about it. Sounds kinda like a stripclub peephole too with booty bouncing on the other side. It doesn't quite express the extent to which, whether we accept it or not, we're shortsighted about the world either.

So here's the EXCLUSIVE remix to the remix:
"Our eyes are basically a pinhole (damn, that's tiny right?) through which we view the world. Everything we're able to see through this tiny hole is initially colorless and blurry. The collection of our direct experiences and the narratives we've been offered by the people around us create the back story with which we're able to color in little by little and bring focus to what it is we're seeing, feeling, and interacting with at any given moment."

Wow. That's a lotta words. Here's the cliffnotes version:
"We decide how to define and take action on things around us based on what we have personally experienced and when we're inexperienced at something, we rely on the stories we've been told about the something."

I am constantly thinking about this simple idea because it makes so much sense. A seemingly illogical action taken by someone around us, is perfectly logical to them based on their experience. Also, people around me have been through all sorts of interesting shit. Maybe I could learn something from them!

Marinating on this idea has made me realize that we all interact with the world with a sort of personal tunnel vision based on our preconceived notions. The readily available cure? Listening to people and allowing them to color and bring focus (for better or worse) to an otherwise drab landscape.

1) First in Flight:
I've been to Bachpe Airport (near Mangalore, India) enough times to know that it's terribly small. Small enough to ask passengers to step directly onto the tarmac when landing. During lunch with an elderly relative, we began talking about his childhood. He smiled and said, "I remember the day that Bachpe airport first opened. Nehru was to be the first passenger on the first flight landing at the airport. I took three or four buses and a few boats to get there from Udupi. I didn't even make it on time but I do remember one thing clearly: There were a few car accidents because everyone was staring up at the sky. People had never seen a plane before!"

He went from never seeing a plane to reading the news on the internet everyday today.

2) Under the Covers:
I got to know a girl a while back that I found quite amazing. She was cute, had a great personality, and a great sense of humor. My favorite thing to talk with her about was poetry. She had this passion for poetry that made me want to sit and really contemplate what the writer was trying to say.

She danced in college too. I think she was in one of those cultural shows. She talked about her friends a lot. She spent her free time running and biking around town.

She never seemed to let any guys get close though. I never really understood and kinda wrote her off as a hater. In reality through, she had been sexually abused by a family friend when she was in high school. That experience had altered her view on so much. Continual self image issues and guilt issues over the things that happened. She seemed to feel like it was her fault. It affected everything she tried to do. I hope she's doing really well today. She's pretty awesome.

3) Table for Two:
"We'll seat him outside," one of my relatives said from deep inside her house. She was referring to the Muslim driver that had brought my family to her house. In this rather turbulent town in Kerala, Muslims and lower caste people are not invited into homes. "Then, you can seat me outside too," was my dad's response, who then ate dinner with the driver on the front porch.

4) Taqueria Therapy:
It's no secret that I love taquerias. In the two years I lived in Chicago, I hit up my neighborhood taqueria hundreds of times. To fall in love with a taqueria, it not only needs pretty damn good food but it needs to have personality. Guerzo, the middle-aged, Mexican owner of this spot is what sold me. Over the years, he's seen me in more emotional and mental states than probably anyone else in Chicago. Rough days at work. Life getting me down. Late night drunk eats. I slowly got to know Guerzo, his son and even met his granddaughter. I had never really sat down with him though and asked talked to him about his life.

It happened to be a really slow night on one of my last nights in Chicago. I told Guerzo to sit down with me while I ate and I told him about my plan to move to Bangalore. I told him about the business opportunity and lifelong dream. I also told him how I felt responsible to stay connected to my family in India (and the small towns we're from). Something resonated with him. I asked him if he was worried about his son losing touch with Mexico. Guerzo flashed his usual half smile, half "I'm deep in thought" expression. He began describing the town he grew up in. It was a tiny town just outside of Mexico City.

Hearing the cultural differences between Mexico City and his town reminded me so much of the contrast between Bangalore and our town. If I gave you a written description of the town my family's from and the town Guerzo is from and removed language differences, I think you'd have a hard time telling them apart.

5) Truth Fed Beef:
"Sai Baba of Shirdi (Unknown - October 15, 1918), also known as Shirdi Sai Baba, was an Indian guru and yogi who is regarded by his followers as an incarnation of God. Some of his Hindu devotees believe that he was an incarnation of Shiva or Dattatreya."

I've seen Shirdi Sai Baba's photo up in so many Indian homes. I have no idea about his history or what it is he did. I do know that people worship him like a God. You know what I've never heard about him though?! That's he was a practicing Hindu and Muslim!!

"In his life and teachings he tried to embrace and reconcile both faiths: Sai Baba lived in a mosque, was buried in a Hindu temple, embraced Hindu and Muslim practices, and taught using words and figures that drew from both traditions."

Eat it Hindu and Muslim extremists!

The last two days I've heard stories about dealing with an alcoholic dad, growing up in a biracial family, hiding relationships from your conservative parents, communication mishaps with a girlfriend, an immigrant's first impressions of America, and how scary typhoid used to be. All stories from friends I was kickin' it with and people around me.

We're all inherently different. Hearing the differences, as wacky as it sounds, helps us understand the people around us and understand ourselves better. It takes a conscious effort to not just accept what we're hearing as truth but to marinate on experiences and stories and decide for ourselves how the story applies to our lives.

Once in a while though our tiny pinhole viewers actually overlap. We find familiarity in the most unlikely person or thing. I think that's what humanity is: the common threads that are always there but often take a little deeper digging to uncover. Digging past the iphones, the ipods, the twitter, the facebook status messages. Past the makeup, the jewelry, and stunner shades. Past the Hills, the Kardashians, and reality TV. Only essentials are left. We're left with me and you, trying to understand each other through tiny pinholes with our experiences and stories.

So here's a challenge. What if we spent a day or even a week consciously trying to find the overlap of the pinholes instead of the obvious differences?

I'll be around for a month or so before I roll to the Motherland and hope to be writing more often. Thanks for all the love! Please feel free to comment on this post with your own experiences or short stories you've heard.

In Search of Success

2009-03-28T11:07:00.001-07:00

Friday, April 3rd was my last day at work here in Chicago. As crazy as it sounds, I quit my job. I'm leaving a great job and an extremely comfortable lifestyle in a city that often feels as if it's been custom made for me (half off night at the Tin Lizzie, I shall miss you). So what am I going after? An ideal. A feeling. It's kind of a deep down intuition of what I'm supposed to do. A search for something that's been missing.

I'll be going after two lifelong dreams: living in India and starting my own public speaking consulting firm.

I can't describe the feeling I've had the last few weeks. It's been unbelievable and surreal even at its low points. To think about things for so long and to have so many conversations with people about them is one thing but that moment of clarity when I decided to quit and go for it is hard to describe. After my trip to India (which was a month ago but feels like it was a year ago), I reflected a lot about what success means to me.

It's always been difficult for me to accept the way we try to create a common ideal for defining what success looks like. When we do this, it's hard not to simplify things into metrics. We evaluate each other based on schools attended, lifestyles led, salaries earned, etc. We strive to someday get a piece of society's success pie. You want whip cream on that? But I'm starting to realize how insane and unhappy that makes us.

How can a group try to define something so abstract as the meaning of success? We all have different desires, likes, dislikes and aspirations in our everyday lives. So shouldn't our individual notion of what success means be just as unique as we are? I felt a lot better about life when I thought about it like this: Sit and think about what a few friends want to do with their lives. How they specifically live their lives now and how they would like their lives to be in the future. More often than not, we're not vying for slices of the same pie. We should be in line to order our very own personalized pie (I don't even really like pie, I hope the world hasn't run out of cupcakes).

I used to get kind of distressed when I heard about peoples' accomplishments. I would get really happy for the person but then start questioning myself. I asked myself, "Why is so-so and making shit happen and I'm not? When am I gonna do what I've always wanted to do? Why is Mark in China playing with Pandas and I'm sitting at work?" There were no answers to these questions because they have no actionable response. I'm not sure why, but one day the questions changed. "What makes me happy? What am I passionate about? What wouldn't I mind dedicating more of my time to outside of work? What would be the most fulfilling job? (whattup Dr. Phil) I answered the questions honestly and as crappy as the answers were sometimes, they forced me to be real with myself. And the result? I stopped thinking that maybe I should be doing what others were doing. You're a doctor? Awesome. You work at Google/Facebook? Sweet. You sell drugs? Questionable. I totally stopped thinking about alternative professions and paths for myself. All because the questions changed. That realization has given me all the confidence to take this crazy leap of faith.

The point of all this is that we should strive to define our own success pie. You might want to be the dynamic mom/dad you've always wanted to be or become the public service leader you've always wanted to become. The pie is ours to create and each definition of success is not limited to any one thing. You can mix toppings my friend. I won't tell. And we shouldn't feel bad when people don't understand our passion because as long as we're being honest with ourselves, success should mean something different to each of us.

Knowing that I'm going to be leaving Chicago and then leaving the Bay (again) has also made me think about the people in my life a lot. Like I wrote to my friends here in Chicago, I've always believed that I'm the collective reflection of the people and experiences I've come across in my life, so I can't thank the people around me enough for adding so much to that. Whether I'm here in Chicago or on the other side of the world, I'll always have those experiences to draw from. I get so much energy from people. I feed off them (I'm not literally eating them, seafood only for this guy). A friend came out to visit a while back and said how he couldn't wait to see what crazy thing I had planned to make the trip memorable. That meant a lot because I think that should be a big part of life. Being with people and experiencing new things. Tasting things you've never tasted and seeing things you've never seen and feeling a way you've never felt. That intangible that makes moments memorable. I'm lucky enough to have people in my life that are continually doing that for me.

A dinner conversation the other night kind of sums the last month. A doctor buddy and I finish dinner and here's how the conversation went.

Buddy: "Okay, we should probably head home. Early morning for me. I'm drilling into someone's skull tomorrow. Glad we had dinner. It's really admirable what you're doing."

Me: "Hey thanks that means a lot. Wait what, you're drilling into a live person's skull?"

Buddy: "Yeah. (makes drill motion) Right into their skull. So yeah, I would not have the balls to do what you're doing."

Me: "Dude, are you fucking serious? Wait, what if you hit their brain? What's the allowable margin of error on something like that?"

Buddy: "Really really microscopic. No worries though. Anyway, maybe it's my profession but I'm much too risk averse to take a leap the way you are."

But not too risk averse to drill into a human skull! Obviously he's got his pie and I've got mine.

If you're in Chicago.... it's been a ridiculous two years. It's going down tomorrow. Look sharp.
If you're in the Bay.... fire up the BBQ - dust off the beach chairs. I'm coming home for a bit.
And if you're in India.... get ready. I'll be there soon.

So to all of you out there trying to make shit happen: props to your success and continual effort towards new success. Thanks for the inspiration. I think I'm ready to define and try to reach my own.

The Moment

2009-01-30T23:52:00.000-08:00

Two women that couldn't be more unrelated and yet what one said and what the other one did have defined who I am.

A couple thousand people gathered around Central Park in San Ramon on what I remember being a ridiculously clear May day in 1999. A few buddies and I put together a march to show support for the victims of the Columbine High tragedy. There were free shirts, and music, and politicians, and all sorts of hullabaloo. There were newspaper reporters, parents and school faculty. To be honest, I don't remember much of that stuff. But I'll never forget what Mary from Monte Vista said to me during the event. The entire day summed up in one interaction. That moment is so vivid in my mind. I can almost taste the air and see the way her hair was blowing in the wind. She caught up to me along the marching route and said, "Thank you for making me feel a part of something bigger than myself."

I don't fare well after I eat palau (kind of like rice pilaf with nuts and other stuff in it) in India. My cousin Vittaloo had a pooja in Mysore and I stupidly ate a bunch of palau. Almost like clockwork I started throwing up on the long ride back home. We stopped so many times, I lost track of how many times I heaved. We tried sticking a lemon near my nose and using hot towels on my head, but that palau wanted to party.

One stop was different than the rest. I ran out of the car and threw up only to realize I had thrown up on someone's doorstep. It was makeshift house made from garbade bags and gathered materials. I had basically desecrated what would have been the equavalent of their porch. A woman immediately saw me. I didn't know what to do or say. Without hesitation she walked out of sight. Moments later she came back with a bucket full of water and motioned for me to wash my face. I washed my face and rinsed out my mouth as she cleaned off the front of her property. She was so calm and when she wasn't calm she was worried. She was worried about my well-being. I tried to say thanks but she didn't understand or care for accolades. She did what she thought was right. She never spoke a single word to me and yet I make a point to think about her almost everyday.

Life is about feeling a part of something bigger than yourself. Humans crave those moments. The moments where we see the humanity in others and they in us. We understand what "together" means. My life's dream, began with two chance events. A girl spoke, a woman acted and an insatiable hunger to create similar moments and similar feelings for the people in my life was born in me. If someday, people feel like they've gotten that feeling from things that I've been apart of, then I've succeeded. I talk and talk about this idea or that idea. There's really not much stopping me. It's time to eat.

Prelude: The Next Movement

2009-01-10T07:43:00.000-08:00

This is the first of two posts leading up to an invitation for a social experiment that I would love for anyone interested to accept. This post lays the foundation for how my thinking has changed over time and how this small change has made me feel empowered and crazy about life.

The last two years have been about experimentation. Experimentation mostly with drugs and lawlessness.... I'm totally kidding. Experimentation with small adjustments and readjustments in my everyday life. Running before or after work. Not checking email at home. Drinking X number of water cups before lunch. If a pattern emerged over time with certain actions (consistently feeling awesome after drinking a huge glass of water early in the morning), I incorporated it permanently into my life. Things with not so awesome results (like trying to live off $45 per week), I just adjusted or abandoned. Either way, every tiny experiment gave me lots of insight into all sorts of things about myself and the world around me.

The funny thing about being in control of these tiny things in your life is that they give you the most insight into the gigantic things in your life like defining what's important to you. Lots of people around me seem to be futility trying to come define the most gigantic of these topics, "What do you want to do with your life?" I after messing around with a few experiments, I have come to the conclusion that the question should forever be remixed from, "What do you want to do with your life?" to "What are you doing with your life?" The first question seems to ask for a specific answer that feels very final. Life doesn't work that way though. It's more like an organism that's always evolving. The new question is focused on being productive today so that you're better off tomorrow. Are you moving you towards a better future?

We've become obsessed with the finish line. So much so that the path we take is slowly losing more meaning. Take a step back and we see that the path is composed of laps and each lap can be broken down into meter increment markers. It's a group of strides that allows us to step over each one of these increment markers. Each stride broken down further into individual steps. So why I spend so much time stressing about what career I would like to have next? Why do I anxiously marinate on how insightful living in this country or working for that company could be? This obsession with the finish line has been tripping some of us up even before we can get into our initial stride. We fixate on answering that first question from before so much that it takes time away from moving towards the answer. So why not instead think about goals and back up a bit. What if we then defined a general direction to grow. This direction would have wiggle room and this direction would be evolving as we evolve.

I realized this about half way through 2008. I started whispering "baby steps" to myself when I went on a run or had a productive day. For a long time it didn't really mean anything to me except to bite off small chunks of my goals each day. So I would spend a small amount of time on each step and the rest of the time daydreaming about how sweet it would be if I accomplished my goals, again the finish line. Then one day the "aha!" came.

Babies crawl for a while until one day they decide to move to the next level. Not so different than jumping from college to a career or from company to company. The initial step is foreign yet exciting. The next one feels unbalanced yet good. Here's where babies win out in this analogy. Unlike us, step after shaky step, the toddler is not thinking, "Damn these steps are tiny, I can't wait to run." They're thinking "Holy shit. Wait I can move?" and maybe, "I don't need to cry for those lame gigantic people as much anymore." It's about faith. Not in the guy in the sky sense but in the feeling you have within yourself. Sure the end goal might be to find balance and then run but it's putting foot in front of foot that gets you there. That's what I've been trying to do in my like. To define broad directions I'd like to evolve towards. I'd like to learn languages. I'd like to start my own company. I'd like to live in another country. All very broad paths. Then on the daily I try to keep faith in the fact that if I move a little bit in a direction that feels good today, I'll be better off tomorrow. The result is a growing feeling of clarity and empowerment.

Think about your goals. Understand the direction you need to travel and then have faith in yourself. If you crave another path later, your perspective is still richer than if you were stagnant since, there is no replacement for each individual step.

People sometimes comment that I have strangely random interests but they are actually more calculated than I realized before this year. They subscribe to my inner toddler. I try to do things that make life feel more rich and that make me feel good. As lame as that sounds, I wasn't actively doing that before. I tried to cook dinner for friends a lot last year. Maybe I'll own a restaurant in many years. I took Hindi last quarter. Maybe I'll travel all over India and be able to socialize with the locals. I went on a run last week. Maybe I'll finally reach my fitness goals this week. Each might just be one step towards the finish line but tomorrow brings another step and the day after one more and...

" "

2008-12-16T21:55:00.000-08:00

I usually like writing my own thoughts but I have a few that I read recently that have been really inspirational. These quotations (along with a bunch more) have been bouncing around my head the past few weeks. Heeeere they are:

"Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself." - George Bernard Shaw

How good is this quotation? I've been thinking about this one many times a day. I hope 2009 is about personal revolutions. And who is this George Bernard Shaw? Did he really say all this amazing stuff? Coolio must have said some of it.

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“Stop thinking so much” proved to be the mantra of my subsequent weird career. People ask me all the time how I wound up with my own talk show or how I managed to make it last nine years. The truth is I don’t know. It’s like asking someone “So how did you get hit by a meteor?” My Late Night career has largely been the result of reacting honestly and spontaneously to people and problems around me. I don’t know how I got here and I certainly don’t know where I’m going. This is the essence of my philosophy and coincidentally, the words to most Jimmy Buffet songs. Which reminds me of one last piece of wisdom I heard a running back say about football. He said that despite the best planning and blocking, “the hole is never where it’s supposed to be.” What this man was saying is that real life is about reacting quickly to the opportunity at hand, not the opportunity you envisioned. Not thinking and scheming for the future, but letting it happen and reacting. In this way, life is a lot like football, right down to the part where you pat the ass of the man next to you.” - Conan O'Brien

Most of us over analyze and think situations in our life (at least I do!). I love the idea of preparing for the things coming your way, but expecting to adjust on the fly. Prepare but don't expect.

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"The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete and everything after you bears your mark."

This reminds me to be an individual. Put your essence into everything you touch. Not that essence Jay.

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The next post is going to be about personal goals and I've been marinating on it for a long ass time. I hope you throw up from excitement when you read it.

The Elephant and the Veil

2008-11-27T13:04:00.000-08:00

One of the things I miss the most about teaching is the conversations we used to have after class. Me and the other teachers would sit around and talk about our lives. One of the tutors, Matt and I would have these long religious discussions that would always leave me in a more enlightened state. Matt majored in Religious Studies at Stanford and I loved hearing his unbiased view on every religion, whether it be Judaism or Hinduism or any other religion. He had and still has a way of drawing on the parallels across religions, in a world where most people stress the differences.

The hours of discussion and debate we had came to mind this weekend when I was trying to make sense of everything that was happening in Mumbai. At first, I was in shock. I found out in the afternoon at work and couldn't really work the rest of the day. I was supposed to meet up with people that night and instead went to a buddy's place that grew up in Mumbai. As I tried to make sense of everything, I remembered a conversation Matt and I had a few years ago. I asked him why he thought religions focus so much on the differences when there are obviously way more similarities. He eloquently answered something like this: "Think of religion as a huge elephant that is running straight ahead. Each of us is holding onto a small part of the elephant. We see and feel the people that have similar views to us because they are next to us. But we can't see the people on the other side of the animal. We have been told and believe that the small space we occupy is the entire animal. We don't take the time to step back and realize we're all going in the same direction." I totally just paraphrased that whole thing, so sorry Matt but your sentiment was very insightful. That was initially how I made sense of extremists in my head. As the dust settled though, the situation because a little more clear. Terrorism really has nothing to do with religion nor does most things we hear about in the news. Everything is about power. There's war going on all over the world. In India, in Africa, and even on the streets in America. Those in power are fighting to keep those under their power in the dark about opportunity, about hope, about truth.

Shamans in Zimbabwe telling men to rape virgin girls to rid themselves of AIDs, the Rwandan genocide, Hindus practicing widow burning in India, and terror cells recruiting displaced youth in the far reaching corners of the Earth all gained power under the guise of religion but really have nothing more to do than men wanting to keep their power over the masses. They use religion as a veil because in most parts of the world people are much less likely to question religious leaders or those posing as religious leaders. The stuff going on in Mumbai really bothered me because I felt like there was nothing I could do about it but the more I thought about it, the more I felt empowered.

I read someone's facebook away message that said something like, "Time for India to step up and take care of business and kick some ass" or something to that extent. After reading that, one line kept playing in my head over the weekend, "You can kill people but you can't kill ideas." We can go after bad people in this world but their ideas will just be carried on by those around them. This is not a war between good people and bad people. This is a war of ideas. The only way we can solve the problems we're facing is to offer hope and opportunity to those in need. Offer the young of the world positive outlets. The people carrying out these missions are young people like you and me. Their entire moral structure and outlook on life is hijacked at a young age by corrupt people around them. They're never given a chance to make something of themselves. They become "evil" and "soul-less" as one victim described them.

I look to places like Kerala as a great example of what India can become someday. I don't know everything about Kerala but from what I've heard the people regardless if they're Muslim or Christian or Hindu have a large sense of pride in their state. The government gives the people opportunity to progress, which has led to one of the highest female literacy rates in the world. Even in Kasargod, where some of my family lives, you have the occasional Hindu-Muslim protest but it never escalates out of control.

I've been thinking about moving to India for years now. Seeing everything that's happened in the last week only strengthens my desire to go there. There are so many countries in this world with so much potential. I happen to be more familiar with India. I've seen the potential that India has and would love help cultivate some of that. It's always been a life goal of mine to make a positive impact on India and I'm hoping the time comes soon.

Yet we can also do our part at home. The other night I heard people talking about how Muslims were behind the attacks. I could tell in their tone of voice that they were trying to generalize across the religion. I could have gone on for a while to them about how Islam is being misused by these people and about how many people believe some ideas expressed in the Quran are symbolic like the war in the Gita. I didn't want to get that crazy but I explained how they were not sure yet who was behind the attacks and to not to generalize across the religion. I think we can all do our part in this war of ideas.

Educate yourself and then the people around you on issues. Have discussions with people that know more than you and then teach people that know less than you. Honestly, this battle is going to continue until we are long gone. While we're here though, I think it's time we not sit idle but lend our hand to bring opportunity to those forgotten in the world, to bring light to those purposely being held captive in the dark, and to do our best to remove the veil placed in front of us. Maybe one day we can realize we're all riding the same elephant together after all.

Hermann Hesse

2008-10-01T22:20:00.000-07:00

Before I had turned to look at the guy next to me I had overheard him speaking about his past. He looked a little too clean and professional. I asked him anyway, "I bet you've seen every animal dude but which one do you love the most?" It was an honest question as much as a way for me to see if this guy was for real. "Elephants are quite smart you see," he said. "They will only drink clean water. In one of our Mozambique reserves we have a large watering hole for the animals. All of the park animals drink from the stagnant water in the hole. The elephants though somehow always seek out the source of the water and drink straight from the pipe before it enters the hole. Amazing right? But listen, even ants take care of one another. If only we took care of one another as much ants. Everything from the elephant to the single ant. They are all magnificent. Even the single ant"

In the last month I have had conversations with a lifelong safari leader from South Africa, a "h.o.o.d" guy from Los Angeles (that's what he kept calling himself), and two recent young Gujurati immigrants that work nearby. I ran into each one of them when I really needed an ear to listen to me (I think they did too). I will get back to these random people in a bit.

I feel like I have lived an entire lifetime since the middle of May. One of my friends got married in Texas at the craziest wedding I have ever seen, I saw Stevie Wonder and B.B. King live in Chicago, and spent some time at home (although home is a little weird right now with all the construction on our house). Oh I became Uncle Vaman too and that was all just June! July began with the Konkani convention. My mind was blown after the convention (and still is in a lot of ways). The thoughts I heard young people voice were really fresh and some of the people I met were memorable to say the least. My parents also kind of decided that they should help me along if I decide to start my own business venture. A lifelong family friend got married the following weekend, so I was back in the Bay. Amazingly the summer only got more intense from that point on.

Like I said, it has felt like a lifetime. It's been extraordinary in great ways and in awful ways. Just as any lifetime experiences. From the third week in July on here is a laundry list of the good, the great and the awful.

I went camping in Madison (which reminded me how much I love the outdoors). I went to Madison for a bachelor party. I tried Nepali food for the first time and loved it (it was similar to Chinese food in India). I saw Radiohead, Rage Against the Machine, Kanye West, and Lupe Fiasco at Lolla. I went on a super health kick cooking all the time. Oh wait, I also went on a eat out every meal kick for some time (still on that one). I met a couple people that may play an important roll in my life later on. My buddy Shawn got married one morning in our neighborhood. That warm and loving morning sun was shining on us. I looked around and felt so fortunate to know the people sitting around me. I got super homesick (which I have never been before). I had six college buddies staying with me for a weekend and an old roommate live with me for a week to give me a piece of home out here in Chicago. I got excited about a girl. I got stressed about little things in life like traffic. I let little everyday battles affect my mood in a negative way. Someone I knew took their own life. He was younger than me and it disturbed me how someone that seemed so happy could be in such pain inside. It made no sense to me and I felt regret for not reaching out to him. I felt ashamed to have been stressed about inconsequential things for so long and letting that affect my interactions with him. I let go of a lot of things that were going on because I needed things to settle down. A group of folks came to visit from the Bay and they probably have no idea how nice it was to see them and feel home for a second time this summer. Football started up again and I enjoyed many a Saturday and Sunday with homies in a bar. We found a bar with a $2 all you can eat tater tot mini bar. Not to mention $2 giant beer drafts. I saw Redbull Flugtag and the Chicago Airshow, which were both super fun. A very kind middle-aged man on my floor passed away. He always said something hip to me on the elevator. He was a huge Cubs fan and I had been meaning to take him out for a drink and catch a game. I hope the Cubs go far in the playoffs this year. Computer programming began to make sense. I taught people on my team at work how to program. I began teaching public speaking. The 8th graders I taught were incredible and inspirational. So many visitors came out to Chicago this summer. I'm very glad people have never been to Chicago and want to visit.

It's was a packed summer. The sad parts of it left me utterly lost. I walked around my block a lot. The other day I had what we call in design the "AHA" moment. It's was based on advice someone gave me earlier this summer:

"You know when you're doing something and you get that amazing positive feeling? (That great burning feeling in your heart). That's when you know you're doing something inline with your values (true self). Try focusing on those things and cutting out the other stuff."

Her point was that we have the choice of what we want to do (to some extent). Actively focus on the shit you really want to do. Stop going with the flow so much. Yayyuh? Yayyuh!
It's so simple but I had never sat down to think about it. So I did. Hmmmmm. India gives me that feeling. Meeting with a group of people I'm designing something for gives me that feeling. Teaching gives me that feeling. AHA! All of these things have merely been vehicles. I love hearing stories. It's about connection. It's about trying to make that connection with people. Hearing personal stories. It's what their stories say about them. Any story gives you so much more insight into a person than if they described themselves. Lending an ear to the voiceless. Drawing connections between people that would have never seen the connection between themselves.

The South African guide and I talked about the natural world and religion. I heard about how the Subway workers' families are still in Gujurat and felt how hard it must be for them to be alone in America. These are just two random groups of people I ran into on separate nights. Now think of all the people you know. People all around us have stories they want or even need to tell and it took me needing to get things off of my mind to remember that. I hope I get to thank them (and you) for listening. At some point, I would love to hear what feel good things you like doing in your life.

Introducing....

2008-04-13T12:23:00.000-07:00

I love having little side projects if you can't tell. I've always loved writing when I'm stressed or when I want to express myself and can't explain my thoughts to the people around me. So here's a little something something Tyrone and I have been kicking back and forth for a while. Basically an outlet for us to write, post pictures, and express ourselves. The idea was to have our friends submit pieces when they wanted too as well. A celebration of life. Don't you feel like we need more of that?

A place "Where souls gather to play while minds kick back and marinate on life."

Welcome to another chapter in the Mind Marinade Movement .

When I Feel So Good....

2008-02-06T22:17:00.000-08:00

You know that feeling you get when you're attracted to someone and you graze hands for the first time? Or right before that first kiss, you close your eyes and for a second your heart stops in anticipation? Intoxication. Addiction. Euphoria. So many adjectives could be used to describe this feeling. Well I haven't had that feeling in a long time. I wish I could say that it's for a lady but alas it tis not! =)

I can still remember my first time. I was nervous, having never experienced such things. I walked in and sat down. Without notice the event began. My natural reflex was to close my eyes and take deep breathes. As the music danced around the room it was almost as though I wasn't listening to it but rather I was inhaling it. Like it was entering through each breath and continuing its dance through my body with my soul.

Was that dramatic enough for you? Honestly, I have been obsessed with music my entire life. I used to bring my boombox with me anytime I went to the bathroom, when I played basketball, when I went to sleep, all the time! In the last few years, I think I have turned much more towards music that teaches me something. I guess that means music with good lyrics that mean something to me. I still love the club bangers on Friday and Saturday nights but for the most part, lyrics are what I crave. Blues music moves me in a way that music has not moved me in a long time and I think it's because it offers something pretty special.

In the last few months, I have become a frequent patron at an old blues bar near my house and I'm taking a class on the history of the blues right now too. We began with the influences of blues and every week we travel through time as blues music evolved. The teacher spouts off anecdote after anecdote about guys with "Blind" in front of their name or with names like "Spider" or "Big" something or other. Our only assignment in class is to sit and listen to the lyrics to each song he plays. It's mind blowing. Every song tells the story of the time. Songs about racism in the South, about slavery, about the Vietnam War, about hope, about positivity, and about contagious optimism. It's like the music was born out of despair and the lowest depths of the human soul only to be used to raise the soul to the highest level.

I leave every class meeting both saddened about the past of America and uplifted by the outlook of the original blues singers. We learned about JB Lenoir, who sang songs about politics and the plight of people in the South. Another big theme in his music was respect for women. He was in a car accident and his injuries were not taken seriously because he was black. We've already learned of three revolutionary musicians whose lives ended early because they were black. The amazing thing is, for all the sadness of the time, blues singers still seemed to raise the spirits of their listener. It's almost like these women and men addressed the sadness all around them and then told everyone to enjoy the moment and move on. They embraced the feeling of life to the fullest.

I think it's pretty cool that the Blues and music in general can tell us a lot about the past and make us still feel emotion in the present. Another great story was about Skip James, who couldn't afford cancer treatment because he wasn't making any money singing his songs. So Eric Clapton covered one of his songs and donated all the money towards his hospital bills. How cool is that?

I love that we all have our own music tastes. We don't all take time out of busy lives though, to just sit and take in music the way it was supposed to be experienced though. Take some time today, close those eyes, and inhale the notes with each breath. See where it takes you.

Here are a couple J.B. Lenoir videos. He looks a lot like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr and actually sang about a lot of the same topics.

This first one is a great example of the way the music tells a story about the times. I like how he hits his guitar between cords (during the second song).

When I feel so good....

The Steps

2008-01-28T21:26:00.000-08:00

What what! If any of you are left, I'm back. Sorry about the ridiculous hiatus but the end of the year proved pretty hardcore on my mind. Honestly the entire year was a constant questioning of everything I thought I knew. My beliefs about religion, relationships, family, friendships, food, music, fashion, education, the world, and last but not least, I rounded the year out with a hardcore look at myself. It was one of the last weeks of the year and I've never felt so alone in my life. Shit was awful. It was almost like everyone was at some other stage of their life and no one could hear me. Being someone that's not so upfront about my everyday struggles, I'm usually extremely easy to read but no one was picking that up. It turned out to be a great blessing as I felt like I shed this heavy skin I had been carrying around for years. That's the reason I moved in the first place. To redefine myself and while the way it went down was pretty dark and lonesome, it needed to happen. Soooooo hear I am. Smile on my face and feeling ready for 2008 and life in general. Since I have never written a MEME (what a lame word), I thought I would do that now for your amusement. I plan on writing more frequent short posts this year. Definitely have been missing the blogging world.

1. I am extremely shy around groups of people I don't know. Now people always tell me I'm bullshitting when I say this since they've seen me be social before. But you were there right? And I know you! It's when I don't know anyone. Seriously I wish you could see how awkward I am.

2. I used to be deathly afraid of spiders until I stayed in India for a couple months and strangely enough are kind of fond of them now. I'm not going to go as far as to say I would play with one but from afar they are quite majestic.

3. My musical tastes went through an unbelievable Renaissance last year. A couple of months ago I starting listening to more blues music and I honestly felt like I had never heard music before. Some songs gave me the shivers. I've been going to blues clubs a lot around town too and taking a class on the history of Chicago blues!

4. Being the youngest in my immediate family, one of the youngest in my extended family and having quite a few older friends, I have always expected a lot from other people. I am really good at being dedicated to the wrong people and then being disappointed when they're not dedicated to me. Awesome! =)

5. The dream life would be living in India about a third of the year. Staring a company with an office there would be even better!

6. I was professionally trained in Indian classical dance for most of my life. That's why I am so damn smooth on the dance floor.

7. My biggest fear is being alone. I've come to like it more and more living by myself but those that know me well know that I almost never turn down the chance to hang out with people. You know that feeling when you're in a big group but feel alone? Ah! I can't stand that feeling. I think that's part of the reason I try to talk to people, to prevent that situation.

8. I think following a particular sports team and religious fanaticism have a lot of similarities. That has nothing to do with me but shows you I think about weird things.

9. There's a basketball court in my hometown that me and my friend Dave have been on more than any other humans. Probably even more than most animals too.

10. I would love to teach people to be more confident in the way they speak to people.

Oh and I was not trained in Indian classical dance! This shit is all natural girl. You can't teach these moves. Well friend, here's to 2008. Here's to more posts. Here's to hopeful smiles and here's to being proactive and making moves this year and in life. Like Vaclav Havel said, "Vision is not enough; it must be combined with venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps; we must step up the steps." Boom!

2007-12-05T09:15:00.000-08:00

Instead of reading another long post, take this time to really think about one or two people that really make you feel good about life. A person that does things for the right reasons. A person that gives you hope for the future. A person that makes the people around them better people. A person that makes YOU a better person. A person whose company makes you forget about life’s struggles and obstacles. A person that makes you believe in magic. Definitely missing a lot of people back home right now. Definitely could use a late night in my backyard with some folks, sharing frosty beverages and talking about totally unrealistic ideas. Thing is, they’re all crazy enough to believe magic IS possible and that’s what makes anything possible. I think I lost myself recently in some shape or form. I spend too much time thinking about people that make me question and undermine myself. The focus shall be thrown back on the right people. Backyard…. Folks…. Magic. Time to start believing again. Boom!

Kentucky Fried Kari

2007-12-03T23:02:00.000-08:00

It only took six months, but here is the newest addition to the Small World Project. I promise many more before the New Year!

Want to waste time? Check my actual post below this one. It's long and probably the post I marinated on the most and had the most trouble articulating. Answer the question scenario question in it too when you have time!

Coming Home

2007-12-02T20:25:00.000-08:00

Join me in an exercise for a second. Stand up wherever you are right now. Place your feet shoulder width apart and bend your knees ever so slightly. Are you doing it? Okay, you should be standing up with your feet shoulder width apart. Now put all your weight into your feet. Let all the weight in your body flow down into your feet almost like your feet are acting like a heavy anchor pulling you into the ground. Correct your posture. Close your eyes and when your eyes are closed take a deep breath and when you exhale open your eyes and look up. Welcome home.

On December 28 of last year, I left my actual home, the Bay Area, for the first time in my life. A few years prior, I remember when I once felt so lost my junior year in college. I told my parents that I needed to travel for a while to find myself. They supported the idea but they stressed to me not to leave expecting to find myself in India or wherever I decided to go. "Everything you need to find is already inside you," they said (or something to that effect). Most of you know I went to India, which basically changed the way I view the world around me. But they were right. If I had to summarize the trip into one sentence though, I would say that "I relearned what it's like to enjoy myself and the people around me regardless of location or activity or stuff." That being said, this last year has been the most intense year of my life. New experience, new thoughts, a new view of life but it didn't lack many moments when I felt lost or confused or frightfully alone. In those moments, I took a deep breathe, made my feet heavy into the ground and whispered to myself, "stay home buddy." It was a constant reminder not only to not forget where I come from but more importantly it was a reminder that everything I needed was already inside me. I still do this by the way. This idea of growing from within would have to be the theme of the year. In life we have countless things we have no control over like our height, our thickness of hair, what school we already went to, past relationships, etc. Why do we tend to harp on these things constantly? I started to really wonder why we don't marinate on things that we actually have the power to change ourselves! Our diet, our fitness, making an effort to get into relationships, keeping in touch with people, learning new skills! SO MANY THINGS! Anyway, every year I try to sum up the year and come up with New Year's Resolutions. A few years ago I decided to start my resolutions in December, as a way to be full force before the new year begins. That post is coming soon. Before I got into that post though I wanted to spread the gospel of some revelations and mind-blowing moments I thankfully experienced this year.
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One of the first people I remember talking to this year was Tyrone on January first and he kept saying, "2007 is the year to make it happen man." He said it with such conviction I started saying that to myself all the time. The beauty of the line is that "it" means something else to each person. For him it was a side business and pushing his brother Ao's music, which is now available on iTunes. Talk about making it happen. For me "it" meant to do things I had never done before. To live to the full extent of the word "alive." Here's what I learned:

Experiments with Truth.
Many of you know that about a year ago, I began these small 30 day experiments. I choose a different challenge every few months and try to stay with it all month. Past experiments have been vegetarianism, cooking every single meal I've eaten, working out everyday, calling a certain number of people each day. Most people think I am nuts when they hear about these and that used to deter me from spreading the word. Let me tell you though, of any type of personal improvement I've ever tried in my life, these experiments have given me more insight into myself and the world around me than anything I have ever been apart of before. I would love to start a website dedicated to the movement someday. The idea by the way is not mine. It's kind of mutually stolen from Ben Franklin and Gandhiji and you know you can't hate on them. It's an easy way to change things about yourself you CAN actually change.

A Reaction is Worthless without the Message.
When I was teaching, I would sit for hours and think about individual students and the dynamic of the classroom and create variations of how we could present the same information. I would envision one in my head and simulate the crowd's reaction, rewind and try another one. Though this worked well in class I unfortunately do this to most facets of my life. I realized that I spend so much time trying to convince people to come to an event or trying to write my blog in such a way as to connect with each person I know that's reading. I started caring a lot less about this as the year went on. I think we worry about reaction and the effects of our message before we even spend time cultivating the message. A couple people have told me that I seem more like my true goofy self in most environments, which made me pretty happy. Don't worry about how people are going feel about your message just make it the message you truly want people to hear. It's like in class when you want to answer a question but don't want to look stupid and then you find out you had the right answer all along. Don't question yourself.

Goofy-ness and Believing in the Self.
I have spent much of my life giving the wrong people my attention. The wrong girls, the wrong acquaintances. I've always felt like if I have an awkward conversation with someone it must be myself. If someone isn't calling me back, I must have done something wrong. DONE! So not true. At a recent party, instead of trying to win over the people I subconsciously have dubbed "cool" I acted a fool with my homies. I realized that often awkward conversations are just as much the other persons fault as they are mine. When the dancing began, me and all the homies were acting super goofy and having a really good time. Many smiles were being had. I looked over at the people I dubbed "cool" and they were being super lame most likely because they are lame. The ability to be GOOFY and SILLY may the the quality I value most in people. Those that may be dubbed socially cool often act cool to compensate for their lameness and lack of goofy skills.

Make decisions as if you were a resident of Walden Pond.
Learning how to make decisions solely based on my own thoughts has been one of the toughest and coolest things I've done this year. I still battle with the effect that others' opinions have on my views but I am way better off than I was at home. So Walden Pond... When confronted with a decision, whether it be what furniture to buy or what clothes to wear, many of us place high value on what guests and friends would think of either. How many of you would by an ugly piece of furniture that you know your guests will hate? So now I say to myself, "If you lived alone in the woods, what decision would you make" and it helps clarify things a lot! I recently bought something that I've dreamt about buying for years. Honestly of anything I have ever bought, this gives my goosebumps (and no it's not that fancy). Most guests are going to think that I am totally crazy and weird but I don't care cause Henry David Thoreau said so!

People should use their talents to help others.
This is something I have been trying to leverage for a long time. It was the core of the Small World Project. There is not one person reading this blog that doesn't have some special talent. Why don't we extend our hand more? Why don't I offer free public speaking classes to my friends? My doesn't Vijay or Ajay start an email account where people can ask them about electronics or where to find good deals? Why don't the people that have worked abroad or lived abroad make themselves more available for younger kids in need of advice? I think it's all tough but I think it would be easy to put ourselves out there more. So here I am. If anyone reading needs help with anything public speaking related, email me anytime (vkamath@gmail.com). If you live in Chicago, I will meet with you personally. If you live elsewhere, email me your powerpoint or presentation and I will rip you apart. Even if I don't know you. (I taught public speaking at Stanford for about 5 years by the way. I'm not just some random dude pretending to pose as a teacher!)

The Long Slow Beautiful Dance.
Life is a long, slow beautiful dance. You don't reach some plateau at 40 where you're comfortable and struggles just disappear. It continues to be challenging and hopefully it continues to offer triumph. That's what makes it scary and exciting. Glad you guys are around to experience it with me.

The Power of Weirding People Out.
The weird out. Making someone instantly, without thought, step outside their comfort zone with a question or action may be the greatest revelation of this year. We are adhere to such boring convention all the time. What did you ask the last person you met for the first time? Maybe about their job or where they're from? As Hash always says, "Dude, how good could a job actually be going?" Stop conforming. Join the weirdout movement.

Here's a great weirdout question I've become quite obsessed with. Ask your friends and answer in the comment sections please! Would love to hear your responses.

You walk into a room with four random people sitting in it. As you walk in, I'm leaving and tell you I will be back in 30 minutes, could you chat with the people about something until I get back? What topic would you tell them about? This is not a debate. It's you informing them of something for 30 minutes. THINK ABOUT IT! and answer in the comments! I'll post some of my favorites there too.

I have been asking this question to every person I meet for the last few months. It says a lot about what value they feel they can pass onto the world and it says a lot about how they view the people around them. I remember my buddy once went up to a girl in a bar and said, "What are you all about? What drives you?" Sure some people might not answer your questions but my guess is that those that those people that don't answer 1) suck and 2) have no personality. Some future weirdout plans include handing out roses to girls that look sad on the street, carrying extra gloves to hand out to homeless people, and all sorts of other CRAZY SHIT!
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PHEW that was a damn long post. If you made it this far, thanks for reading folks. Honestly, I want us all to be open about our revelations because I really think a paradigm shift needs to be had where we focus and remind one another of the things we can have an affect on rather than stressing about the shit we have no control over. Stay Home friends. Stay Home.

Youuuuuuuuuuu

2007-10-28T14:31:00.000-07:00

I took the comments option off my last post because sometimes I feel like a blog trying to collect comments. That leads into thinking that the value of a post is based on the number of comments. I do enjoy learning from you folks though. So here are a couple questions for you. I've answered them in the comments and you should too! Pick one to answer or answer both.

1) If you stepped outside yourself for a moment, what advice would you give yourself? What observations would you have about your lifestyle? What things are you in denial about that you would set yourself straight on?

2) I heard of a class assignment where students were told to give an hour presentation as if it was the last hour of their life. Then I saw a clip of a professor with a chronic illness actually knowingly presenting for the last time. Put yourself in that situation. What topics would you cover in that hour? What knowledge would you pass on to the people around you? What would your legacy be?

On Reality

2007-10-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

As I sat in the lunchroom, I cooled down my hot coffee as best I could. It had way too much Splenda in it and probably one too many creams but it smelt so damn good. You see I've been drinking about two diet cokes and a cup of coffee everyday. But we'll come back to that caffeine fix. No one else was in the lunchroom because it was late into the afternoon and I finally decided to reopen a collection of Ralph Waldo Emerson pieces and poems I have been meaning to read. Oh don't worry if you don't read Emerson or don't know who Emerson is, I barely ever read (in fact I've probably only fully read two books for fun in my entire life - I'm trying to change though!). Anyway, I remember reading some of the book years back and Emerson's view on life and spirituality really struck a cord with me. So I opened up a piece and within a few pages was really drawn in. In the piecet he writes about two types of people in the world. The "materialist" and the "idealist." The materialist being one who lives a very empirical life. This mind is based upon science and that which has been proven by society. Accepted notions are the best way to describe the workings of the world. The idealist being one who suspends disbelief and is not concerned with actual "objects but with our mode of knowing objects." This mind is concerned with its own understanding of the world.

I apologize if some of this is my interpretation of what I read but he went on to explain the way in which we explain the world. Our explanation of truth being like reflected light. Depending on where we're standing we may see something entirely different. That really gave me one of those Ah ha! moments. That's it. That's my beef with our generation. We think we're a generation of idealists but we're slowly (or quickly) becoming materialists (in the Emerson sense) We're moving towards viewing the world through societal norms.

Here's what I think:

In the 9 months or so since being here I have done all sorts of good and bad things. I've had my share of mornings waking up on my floor. I've lost weight and then gained weight (back trying to lose it!). I've tried to become more fashionable and settled into a shirt and jeans kinda guy with the occasional sports coat. I've realized that I have some really bad habits.

The point being that I had no idea how much I didn't actively THINK about the things I was doing. I mean really sit and ponder daily decisions. I think that's why I started doing weird one month challenges. I wanted to only do action that I truly wanted to take part in. I quickly realized that I was often going out for the wrong reasons and I realized that an ENTREE at a restaurant is actually two (or three!) meals. I realized that I really like walking long distances (I never knew this cause no one would walk with me!) and that I am not picky with food at all. For the first time when other people didn't want to go out, I would go out by myself because I really wanted to go out. I wasn't even close to touching on all aspects of life but then I moved into more scary topics.

I've been going on AIM and Facebook for years now. I've probably used up years of my life on both. When I first moved out here I tried hard not to go onto either. I knew I would use them as a crutch. There are only a few people I talk to on either but wasn't enjoying either very much. I came to the realization that I've been using AIM as a crutch this entire time. When I'm lonely or bored it let's me reach out. I've become dependent on it. So for about a month I didn't use Facebook, AIM and I didn't have a cell phone for about two weeks. The result? I would have a shitty day at work and crave AIM. I needed to talk to someone but I couldn't. So I sat, I ran, I cooked, I actually thought about what was bugging me. I didn't have anyone to vent too or pass my anger off to so I processed it. I knew I couldn't go online and put up an angry away message or vent over messenger. I basically had to tell myself to get over it. I had to tell myself to have perspective. I have never had to do that. It was lonely at times. But for the first time I was forced to focus my energy elsewhere. I went for long walks and started reading more. Now don't get me wrong. I do have great conversations on AIM with some people and some people use AIM for real conversation (I'm just not one of them). And of course serious problems demand advice and discussion among friends. I just saw myself venting and chatting about the littlest of things going on in my life. I became more aware of what I was doing online. It was just adding unwanted anxiety and imbalance to my life. Then I would call my friends and I didn't have to vent to them, I could actually take an active roll in what was going on in their lives. Maybe everyone has that "AIM" in their life that they use as a crutch when they could try to deal with things on their own.

So why did I call out our generation as moving away from Emerson's idealism? Because we either accept the group ideal about something or we are quick to form opinions. The argument I always hear is that we are a generation of opinionated people. With so much information on the internet, I do think the truth is out there. But I don't see us THINKING about the truth anymore than before. One quick glance at Wikipedia or any other Google matched website is the only "truth" we need now. So in a way we are still accepting what we are being told. My manager at work said today that he doesn't even trust BOOKS! Every little bit he reads, he goes onto the internet and checks multiple other sources. He then sits and comes to his own conclusions. That's extreme but more in the right direction that me for sure.

We're quick to form opinions too. I can write about someone in a coded way (even though everyone always knows who a blogger is talking about - haha and I'm not blowing up anyone's spot. I have not frequented blogs in some time now) or I can voice any opinion I want about politics or religion or anything! We have the power to publish in real time. It takes me a long time to write blog posts because I want what I write to be how I really feel. Orators of famous speeches and philosophers both shitty and famous have been held to their word. Today you can say one thing in the morning (and influence the people around you both emotionally and mentally) and then totally contradict that at night. There is no responsibility or consequence for either. We can change our minds on a whim because we don't marinate on things enough to actually decide how we feel about them.

WHHHHHHEW. I love when I write something passionately or emotion-filled because someone always thinks I am sad or angry. =) No worries my friends. I am fine. I just think real conversation and seeking your own truth and personal discovery and the evolution of the self are all falling by the wayside. Reality has become infused with denial and technological cloudiness. I was in denial about my eating habits and lifestyle and lots of things. I now have cut out lots of bad habits and accepted my coffee actively. The point is that I still don't understand everything about myself or the world around me but thinking about small things actually helped, even if only a little bit. It was scary at first but I think it could help you make decisions about the world around you. It all depends on how you decide to see the light.

Greatness

2007-08-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

"The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete and everything after you bears your mark."

Dave Chappelle recited this quotation when asked about Richard Pryor's influence on the world of comedy. I'm sure there are numerous variations and thoughts about where it comes from but regardless I find the sentiment beautiful and since hearing it, can't stop thinking about it...

2007-08-21T20:25:00.000-07:00

(This would probably sound better delivered verbally but you can pretend I'm saying it if you know what I sound like!)

Smoke and Mirrors

Listen to me.

As I look up from deep thought I think about life. I'm uneasy.

My Frustration is not having a cell phone for almost two weeks.
My Frustration is having to go to Sprint five effing times.
My Frustration is not attaining the fitness goals I want.
My Frustration is not being as productive as I wish to be on a day to day basis.
My Frustration is not understanding what I'm doing at work.

Are you hearing all this stuff that's going on?

Stress is getting up late for work over and over again when I set my alarm.
Stress is ridiculous traffic on my morning commute that frustrates the hell out of me.
Stress is not getting the girl I want over and over again.
Stress is people being angry at me.
Stress is having so many damn bills to pay all the time.

Stress is not knowing what I want to do with my life.

(As this rant continues a tiny squirrel runs past me. My head shifts slightly to the left)

As I look up I realize that...

Drama is not situations I've had in the past with people I know.
Drama is my buddy Kurt being a proud father and being forced to go to Iraq to fight.
Drama is growing up without one of your parents like some of my friends.
Drama is having to return groceries items because your family doesn't have enough money.
Drama is not being sure you're going to be alive tomorrow because of illness.

Reality is that most of my readers will never be below the poverty line.
Reality is that growing up neither of my parents lost their jobs.
Reality is that as a teenager most of my real problems dealt with social pressures and girls.
Reality is that most people don't have the luxury of being stressed and frustrated like me.

Most peoples' lives are too hard to even think about the inconsequential things I feel sorry for
myself about.
I dwell on things that a lot of other people would consider privileges to experience.

(As I continue to look to the left, I realize how focused I've been on myself. My Frustration and My Stress are both just that..... MINE. To the left and the right and above and behind me are other people with real problems that I could be helping. I've continually talked about how much I want to help people around me but haven't volunteered on the Southside once yet. But the great thing is that as humanoids we have to ability to make that change when we want.)

Life should be about perspective and
Life should be full of deep breathes and
Life should be about hugs (guy hugs are cool too) and
Life should be about continually taking a step back and seeing the whole picture (not just
from my point of view but from everyones)
Life is about cultivating all the things we have... not getting overwhelmed with the few things that seemingly always elude us.

Funny thing is, people will read this post and surely email me and say, “Dude, why are you so frustrated!” Again, focused on the negative part of the post. In fact, I don't know the last time I've felt so thankful and full of perspective. If anything, take the fact that as humans we have the ability to alter our perspective on life. I just feel like I've been living in my own little bubble for far too long and my priorities need some revamping. Don't get me wrong. From time to time, we all need to vent and be human, it's just important to also have perspective, which is something I was lacking before. I started getting frustrated with the effed up formatting but then started laughing cause the whole point was to let that stuff go - SO I DID!. You get the message.

I sit here and think about the people I admire the most. I'm not going to embarrass you all here but you all have something in common. You all constantly cultivate the “HAVE” in your life and you don't even think about the “WANT”. I feel very blessed to have so many squirrels in my life. Ya'll know who you are. Thanks.

The Eternal Shortstop

2007-08-13T21:24:00.000-07:00

I still remember how that fear felt. I would pray that my name wouldn't get called but I always knew it would since I was one of the few middle infielders on the team. Of all the drills that Coach Haubner put on us this one was by far the worst. I'd much rather run for two hours (which we did in single file line) or run liners on a basketball court. Those of you that have ever had the pleasure of playing baseball on an all-dirt infield know that it is not the friendliest of surfaces for a ball to roll against. So enter the spiderweb drill. Four batter would stand next to each other at home plate and criss cross the groundballs they would hit. I would be at shortstop and Shawn Olsen would be at home plate. I can still hear the sound of the all aluminum bat with no grip on it. Shawn would always be an ass to us and hit the ball as hard as he could on the ground. The ball would ping off the bat and then time slowed down. I remember seeing the ball hit the ground and then focusing in on one bounce and then two bounces.....

Did I stop the ball? I guess that's not the story I want to tell. You see when you're playing infield in baseball you have a couple options. You can sit back on your heels. When the ball jumps off the bat you are at the mercy of the ball. The ball bounces and you're one step behind. You try to overcompensate, which in turn makes you lose sight of the ball or pick the wrong hop to attack. You might glove the ball but chances are you're going to pull up too early or get hit by the ball. Your second choice is to play on your toes and creep towards the batter. As the ball hits the ground you are now in a position to actually choose the bounce you want to attack. The last option is ideal. Not only playing on your toes but going through all possible scenarios in your head. Where are the runners? If the ball comes to you left what do you do? Your right? You're basically ready for anything in the third scenario.

Why should you care about my baseball days? Because I see lots of people around me getting hit in the face over and over again. I feel like we're a generation of youth living on our heels. We might think a lot about possible future events but we're not ready for the ball to come our ways at all times. Think about the ideal situation I described. A fielder thinks about possible actions, remains adaptable in the moment, acts decisively and completes some action. How many of us can say we go through that process in a day? week? month? I realized a few months ago that I spend the majority of my time thinking about what MIGHT happen. But not about the current situation. I was thinking about what will happen if the score is 5-4? What if we lose the game? What if we don't make the playoffs? The result, life hits you in the face. People around me are doing similar things. Constant hypothetical situations and lots of talk about "I want" and "I'm thinking about." I'm not saying those things are bad! Those things are important but we're often losing focus of the present and about the next steps we need to take to move forward. The thinking alone doesn't make a ballplayer.

I've been in plenty of situations where I marinated on a topic for far too long and ended up getting hit in the face. A simple example is talking to chickidies at a party. I'm the type of guy that marinates on what to say, and then runs through possible scenarios and then might approach said lady. The problem? I am totally on my heels, especially if she comes over and talks to me. Not sure if that's the best example but hopefully you catch my drift. We need to be more decisive and at worst we decide wrong and grow from that. The point is by evolving thought into action you're able to create life events on your terms. You're able to quickly weigh out scenarios, live on your toes, and you're able to choose the bounce you want and your instinct will tell you what to do with it. I do this at work all the time now. Before a meeting I think about where people are going to sit and what the dynamic might be like or before an interview I go through scenarios and decide what I will do in each. The point is my thinking is becoming more in the moment and more action oriented.

I still find myself on my heels all the time and I really want to change. Opportunities are flying right past us every moment of every day. Think when you need to! but be adaptable in the moment to act instantly, be decisive and make things happen. Life is going to hit each and everyone of us in the face from time to time. If you're on your heels, it might knock you down and it might knock you off course. If you're on your toes, maybe you can still make that play you need to or at least you were able to do your best on your own terms. So stretch out a little bit. Take a deep breath and get up on those toes. You know all the possible outcomes. Ping! The ball is on its way... one bounce... two bounces.....what you gonna do?

The Ancient Theory of Mind Blowing

2007-08-12T21:29:00.001-07:00

The day I graduated high school, I received a hand written letter from a freshman named Adam. Now at this point I knew Adam pretty well and he had become a friend of mine. So I opened the letter and it started out by saying something like, "It was almost a year ago but I still remember I was having a bad day and then to top it off I had to walk all the way home. That was until a senior was nice enough to stop his car and pick me up and drive me home." Adam lived down the street so I stopped to pick him up that day. It was really nothing to me but apparently meant a lot to him. Thinking about Adam reminds me a lot of one of my girlfriends in high school. We had lots of great memories but honestly I don't clearly remember all of them. But what does stand out though was when I would be all tired and frustrated after baseball practice. I would walk back to my car in the empty parking lot and there would always be a note waiting for me on my car windshield.

Neither story is flashy and neither story took a lot of planning or money but in both cases minds were blown. I still remember the feeling I would get opening those letters. The people involved experienced some sort of magical memory that sticks with them. I've been thinking a lot about what creates these mind blowing experiences and they really grow out of being good at little things. I feel like we focus too much on being extravagant and flashy when really memorable events are the result of people realizing that you took the time to think about them. In high school I was fortunate enough to eat lunch at the White House and to be honest I don't remember much about the meal but about 2 years later I ate lunch at my friend's house in Hanford, CA and I could to this day DRAW you the meal. Everything we ate was handpicked from their farm and that could have been one of the best meals I've had. Or when Biggest called me from Egypt right at midnight on New Year's Eve.... I thought to myself, "How did he do that math? Wow he planned that shit out. My mind is blown." Or when I would make an error in baseball. My coach, Art, would come up to me and whisper in my ear, "V, I've done that a 1,000 times. No one feels worse than you right now but relax. Just do what you need to do next time." And for some reason I not only appreciated Art for saying that but he calmed my nerves every time. It was like he had put himself in my situation before talking to me. I guess it's that empathy that lies at the core of mind blowing. People do not expect others to attempt to look through their eyes and when you do, they notice.

So why do we spend so much time trying to impress people with decorations and flossy things when it's the simple things that blow peoples' minds? I've been to a few weddings recently and you see some crazy things like chocolate fountains and the bride wearing more diamonds than a rapstar. I don't remember any of that shit to be honest. It's generic and it's fleeting. At Chuck's wedding they handed out a CD of their favorite songs. That seems to be standard these days BUT they sang the first song on the CD. How badass is that? I've been listening to them sing everyday on the way to work since the wedding. At another wedding I heard about, they handed out flip-flops so the ladies could take their heels off to dance. Both are cheap, simple ideas that are burnt into the minds of the people around you.

I don't think mind blowing is difficult it just takes time. You have to really sit and think about your audience. About their motivations and about their wants and desires. Don't be so generic and cookie cutter. For your next party or get together or class or meeting, instead of brainstorming about what alcohol to get or what decorations to buy or how to organize your meeting, brainstorm about who's coming. What do certain people have in common? How can you introduce this person to that person? What motivates people and what makes people smile? If you even take a few minutes to do this, I ensure you that at least a few minds will be blown. Just keep some Downy handy to clean up the mess.

In a Sentiental Mood

2007-05-22T23:12:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I need to get into the mood to blog. So tonight the candles are lit, the lights are low and Coltrane is jammin' through the speakers. I slept to Coltrane almost every night my junior year in college (random factoid about me). Something about his music soothes the soul. No matter how your day went, he refills your spirit. And I digress.

So I realized a while back that my blog offered less marinade and was offering cooked delights. Hopefully this marinade satisfies that brain stew you're slow cooking later tonight.

I guess the last few months have given me more time to think about things on my own than any other time in my life. I've always placed such high importance on the approval of the people around me, so being able to think things through and act on my own is pretty revolutionary to me. With that being said, I'd like to share a couple revelations I've come across the last few days. If I so may carry on with the self improvement posts one more time, I would be most thankful.

[Sorry that these are all about fitness. I think these ideals really apply to any goal in life]

Be productive today but remember that tomorrow is also a workday.

What do I mean by this? (I'm not trying to remind you about that report you need to finish by lunch tomorrow). Actually it's more about breaking goals down into tangible tasks. From my senior year in high school to college graduation I gained over 50 pounds! Do you know how many grocery store clerks made fun of me? Bastards! My family loves me so much that they always tell me I've lost weight but it never really dawned on until after college that I was so much heavier. I tried to lose it the way most people do. I cut out all sorts of foods. I worked out hard one day (then took a bunch off of course), and I deprived myself of many things. I would do this and lose quite a bit of weight but then feel entitled to a free weekend (which more often than not carried into the week) and I'd gain it all back. I didn't feel any better and as far as my goals were concerned they were in the shitter.

What's the point here? That we think personal change has to be instant. Makeovers on TV, Biggest Loser, and all sorts of other media outlets give us this impression. We want instant gratification. We don't want to move up the corporate ladder. I think my generation is even worse about this than previous generations. Well in high school, I was fortunate enough to be pretty cool with one of the tougher kids in our school, Brian. One day I was in the gym and he must have seen me long-faced and ashamed of the barely visible weights I was lifting. He walked over to me. This guy is gigantic by the way (I still remember when I played on the basketball team with him, a guy punched him in the face and he laughed at the guy). So Brian comes over to me and says, “Don't get discouraged man. Chris (his good buddy) felt the same way a few months ago and I told him everyone has to start somewhere and work their way up. (At this point Chris was actually pretty cut) Even I started at that level” He said. Okay he didn't say that last part but I can remember it however I want. That must have been over 8 years ago and I still think about it when I get discouraged with my fitness goals. We need to be productive today but always remember that tomorrow is also a workday.

I didn't see any improvement in myself until I started working out hard on a given day but reminded myself, “Leave enough for tomorrow buddy. This is about tomorrow (and a month from now). No excuses that you're tired tomorrow.” This type of thinking spread over to other aspects of my life outside of fitness which brings me to my second juicy piece.
Offer yourself positive change rather than negative restrictions.
This idea has really starting to blow my freaking mind (and those people that know what I'm talking abouts!). One of my first weird experiments was with Ajaya and Hash, where we went vegetarian for a month (I know, I know it sounds easy but believe me, we are carnivorous to the max) Anyway, there were no restrictions on what we could eat within the vegetable family. The result? Each one of us began drinking more water, we didn't eat junk food as much, and we started working out WAY more. Positive byproducts are so rewarding. I once hated most vegetables and started to love bell peppers and onions and eggplant. I think this had a lot to do with the fact that we phrased the challenge in a positive way rather than saying, "NO MEAT FOR A MONTH!"

Now, take this last month for example. I decided to cut a little weight by cooking every meal I ate. No restrictions on what I ate. For the first 15 days, I only ate meat once. I started working out a ton more and drank craploads of water. I also no longer craved some of the foods that I constantly ate and made me feel shitty. I would actually rather eat homemade food now. I also started to really look forward to coming home and making food. So you see, this could have been phrased as, “I'm not going to eat out for a month” but because somehow I thought of it more as I'm producing my own food for a month" it had a much more positive impact on my life. It also made it more fun because it was a challenge instead of me removing something from my life.

So maybe instead of trying to watch less TV, tell yourself that you're going to read an hour more everyday or instead of saying, “No going out until you study for an hour” maybe you should think of it as, “Every time I study I get to party.”

Friend, I'm no disciplinary expert and I most likely never will be. I've gone to the gym before and then snuck out to go to Taco Bell instead. The point is that is this guy can do it, anyone other human can (some other animals I'm a tad bit skeptical about). For example, my diet in college consisted of hot pockets, bagel bites, corndogs, shumai, potstickers, and buffalo wings (COSTCO freezer section anyone?). For about a month span we also had those giant Nestle cookie ice cream sandwiches everyday and all sorts of ice cream. I ate those things everyday with at least a couple cups of coke and beer for good measure. Change didn't happen because I have more power than you. Change also didn't happen because I woke up one day and deprived myself of bad things. Change was gradual. Change was made up of tiny little steps (that went backwards at times) that evolved into permanent distances. We can't go through life hoping to change with the flip of a switch because that's just not fair to ourselves and life is not about depriving ourselves. It's more about being more actively in control of ourselves. So when you fall out of line, take a breath and step back in and when you look in the mirror look at yourself in the way you want to be seen and remember we're all in this together.

Change CAN be painful and change CAN be overwhelming but maybe if we all listen to Brian and remember that everyone started in the same position as us, maybe change will come in the form of tiny steps.

On Morning Inspiration

2007-05-14T21:55:00.000-07:00

The other day I sat at work and was rather overwhelmed with this sense of unfamiliarity and uneasiness. Usually when this happens I cycle through a couple blogs and feel better. I visited smallchou's blog (since he's been on a roll lately) and was super amused by his story of racing an older Asian man on his bike into work. The thing that struck me though was that he had run six frickin' miles that morning before his bike ride into work. I was impressed but thought nothing of it. I just pictured him walking into work at Google, where some hired servant fanned him the rest of the day. That night I came home and went on my usual run but as I came to the end of it, I thought about smallchou again and got all fired up. "If he can run before work, I can sack up and run an extra mile or two after work," I thought. Sure enough not only did I run farther than I have ever run that day but I did it two more times!

These inspired runs led right into one of the best weekends of all-time. On Friday night I went to a BBQ at Ritz', came home and cleaned my place, and then went to a birthday party in the city. Oh but wait! Then our night began. We came back to my place, had a couple frosty beverages and played wii for a couple hours. Believe it or not we were waiting to go out again. The City of Chicago was throwing this all-night party downtown and we wanted to see the tail-end of it. We rolled to this community center downtown, which seemed abandoned. As we walked in, I got a HUGE smile on my face. At least a hundred people were playing chess, two to a table. Now I am talking people big and small; people black, white, brown, green; people in their 80s and people too young to cross the street. It was seriously an inspiring scene. We couldn't even get a table to play on. While all this is going on, the main hall has Classical Indian music, which was too popular for us to even get into!

My friends were fading fast and I made my last attempts to keep them awake. "Coffee? Red Bull? Come on Ritz!" The classic line of, "We really want to stay BUT we're tired." Alas, it was not meant to be. So the night was over..... well it would have been.

Rewind to a time before I moved and I probably would have gone home with them. I was determined to stay by myself and walk over to the park. They were going to have a CELEBRATION at sunrise. I grabbed a giant coffee and walked over to the park around 4:45 AM. I met a bunch of loving folks that were enjoying their night. We all sat in a big circle on the lawn at Millennium Park and waited for the festivities. What were they? YOGA! So at this point I had been up since 6 AM on Friday and I was doing YOGA in a park at sunrise at 5 AM on Saturday (in a hoody and hat nonetheless). I did many downward dogs and triangle poses as the sun warmed the park and then sat front row for a choir singing morning (WAKE UP!) songs. If that wasn't enough though Stavi (who's a med student) just got off call, picked me up and we went shopping for groceries. We came home, woke Ritz up and cooked a mean ass brunch, went for a walk and then I finally called it a night around noon.

As I stood there in the park at sunrise I had this weird feeling. Maybe what I think of as a emotional feeling of being lonely is actually just me getting used to being physically alone? As I stood alone in the park, I seriously felt like everyone I had ever known was there with me (sure maybe I was delirious). I felt more like I was there because of all those people and it was a CELEBRATION of that idea! It wasn't the cold feeling associated with loneliness but a warm feeling of comfort (even though I knew not a soul out there). Maybe even though we spend most of our lives physically alone, we're actually still connected to those people in our lives all the time.

Inspiration is a funny thing. Sometimes it's the smallest, seemingly inconsequential events that light the fire at our core. I haven't seen smallchou in person in years and yet he's changed the course of my fitness routine (and not even on purpose). We reflect on one another and reflect ourselves back onto the people around us. The tiniest of movements and actions influence the people around us. So keep your eyes and ears open.... this post is just one example but if we're if we're open to them, life changes may be just one small(chou) step away!

Picture Show

2007-05-10T03:02:00.000-07:00

I have a few things I really want to post about but have yet to find the right words to describe them. I had one of the best weekends I've had in a long time and tonight I went and saw Les Nubians (a French r&b duo) and they blew my mind too. I also went samba dancing a few days ago. Still digesting the coolness of some of those events including my first Flaco's in Chicago. Anyway here are some pictures from the last few days. Hope you enjoy them. A real post is coming soon.

To the right is some masoor daal, mushroom and green bean medley and some chana (garbanzo bean) masala. Since going on my "only eat what I cook" routine I've only eaten meat once. Another weird byproduct of trying something new. Not to mention the redonkulous amounts of water I've been drinking.

To the left is a great example of my lack of actual cooking skills. Every night I know I have to cook for myself. So of my available ingredients I throw something together. Top left is bell peppers and mushrooms in a soy sauce and sriracha sauce, bottom left is canned tomatoes and kidney beans in italian spices with A LOT of chili peppers, and since presentation is everything I dropped some black beans and avocados in there too for good measure. See, you can all make shit like this EASILY. It's just a matter of making yourself do it!

LES NUBIANS! The concert was phenomenal and both of them are gorgeous! Their message was smart and super positive and I was really impressed. Those that have never heard their music should definitely check it out. An entire concert in French (I don't even know French) and they rocked the house. An entire post about my thoughts about their message and concert is coming soon.

When Hegyi and I were in business, Chuck was one of our best customers. Having him here over the weekend brought back sooooo many memories. I was going to make a Cinco de Mayo mustache too but he fell asleep and I decided to shave instead.

My thoughts about these cups? No fight could ever be broken out in their presence. Am I right? TURKISH coffee is the BEST! One of my coworkers hooked us up!
Anyway sorry about the picture show today but theres been lots going on and soon enough some really coherent mind blowing marinades shall be offered to the masses to cook your mental chickens. Until then.... enjoy your Thursday and GO WARRIORS!

Fill Us Diller

2007-05-04T06:40:00.000-07:00

It's always insightful to see what drives the people around you. Some may be driven by food or money or family or the want for love. What drives you people to get up in the morning and do the everyday hustle?

Complete this sentence:

I live for ____________________. (could be many words or a few)

(p.s. HAPPY FRIDAY people)

Scatterplot

2007-05-02T23:35:00.000-07:00

Tonight a third citizen entered the Small World and it seems like more and more people are are sharing stories!

Marinades from the past few days:

Daily Laughs:
Are there some things that make your day everyday? There's one guys at work that looks exactly like Sylar from Heroes. Everyday he wears a hat and glasses just like Sylar. I walk past him and think in my head, "SYLAR!" Then I laugh to myself a little bit. I've been watching an episode or two of South Park before going to bed too. The latest season of that show is sooo on point with the comedy. Any quirky things you see everyday at work or home that make you laugh?

Chosen Dependence:
For the longest time I've felt like I've been way too dependent on the people around me. I've been on the flipside and been that crutch for people before and it sucks. Do you have a person or persons in your life that you feel like you're dependent on when in need? Well this week I have basically embraced my alone time and really tried to make the most of it rather than getting all weirded out. I've gotten so much done and realized that alone time is actually MY TIME (when I can make shit happen). Revelation. I'm thinking too that I was never fully dependent on the person(s) but kind of loss my point of reference out here. It feels good to realize that I really do just enjoy having them around.

Slow Food:
Hegyi (the other half of Flaco's) has been telling me to get down with an organization called Slow Food, which seems pretty cool. Bringing my lunch to work is starting to make me feel like I did in elementary school. Everyone else is buying chicken nuggets and tater tots everyday (okay the occasional pizza slice) but I know that whatever I've brought is going to be as delicious as I made it (or gross). It's made me think a lot about what I actually eat AND I think something I really want to start pushing is fresh food and teaching people how easy cooking can be. Making actual dishes is just as easy and sometimes less time consuming than making pasta or macaroni. More to come on this topic SOON!

The other funny thing is people always ask me where I learned how to cook. I don't know how to cook but I definitely know how to eat. So I work backwards. I think about what tastes good. For tonight's party on the stove I invited red bell peppers (thought of you niva), garlic, onions, hmmmm some tandoori powder straight from the motherland, some thai chillies and soy sauce for good measure. I had no clue what I was making but when you use all ingredients you like, more often than not it tastes pretty good.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

2007-05-01T23:34:00.000-07:00

Here's what I took to lunch today. Felt really good to be healthy again and bring my own food. As healthy as food can be in the cafeteria at work nothing beats bringing in your own food!

I also have been saving a little bit of my lunch everyday to eat right before I leave the office. On days I go grocery shopping, this prevents HUNGRY SHOPPING (how much do you do that?) and on days I work out, I don't feel like I need to eat when I get home and can get right to the gym.

By the way, as a snack, tomatoes with black pepper on top of them are DELICIOUS! I also drank a ridiculous amount of water today which always give me extra energy and makes me less hungry. Who knew?

The Questions

2007-04-30T21:13:00.000-07:00

Look out... this is my second post in one day? Obviously lots is on the mind. I wanted to learn more about you, the reader... so here are some questions for you. Even if you don't want to comment... think about them!

1) What are 3 things that you're better at than the average person?

writing, playing basketball and baseball, and understanding people (and eating).

2) What's one thing you would be considered a professional at?

eating sunflower seeds and teaching public speaking.

3) What's 1 thing you wish you would spend more time getting better at?

running, knitting, cooking, singing, getting to know people on a deeper level.

Funky Fresh May

2007-04-30T20:52:00.000-07:00

People that spend a lot of time with me know that I am constantly jabbering about wanting to do this or how cool it would be to try that. Some people may even think I'm being insincere (since I don't follow through the majority of the time) but that's just the way I am. I love thinking about possibilities and pushing the limits. So here is a crazy idea I expressed to a few dearests and they got really excited about it. You might want to sit down for this......

From May 1^st until May 31^st I am going to attempt to only consume food that I cook with my own hands. That means no eating out for breakfast, lunch or dinner (or Weiner Circle late night!). It also means no chips, fries, wings, SUNFLOWER SEEDS! or other delicious snack foods in between. Basically I am going to allow myself to eat only home cooked meals mostly comprised of fresh (and canned) vegetables and fruit. Of course things like eggs and bread will be allowed. I'm thinking for snacks and the such, I'm going to take cut veggies and granola or oatmeal.

As a celebration before Funky Fresh May I indulged quite a bit today. My stomach is currently the proud owner of a Pollo Vagabundo chicken fajita burrito and a delicious al pastor torta for dinner (not to mention both are joyously swimming in all sorts of salsa and guacamole).

If you have easy recipes you would like to share, I would love the advice. I'm definitely going to constantly be referring to Anu and Cooking Light. I'll keep you all updated as much as possible on how the experiment is going! Whoooooooo!

Moment of Truth

2007-04-25T22:35:00.000-07:00

Do not blame Heaven
And do not blame earth
For your loneliness.
You are traveling the ways of loneliness
Because your mind has not tried to conquer
The darkness of frustration-frown.

Lately I've been in some kind of funk. How does one rid of a funk? Well baseball players take extra batting practice and politicians probably practice their speeches just a little more and famous people date other famous people. Well my immediate reaction has been to branch out. To go out as much as possible and surround myself with new things, experience new things. But I've been missing one important thing... myself.

The three months or so since I've been in Chicago, I think there have been visitors in town every weekend except two or three (not that I'm that cool, lots of them have been in town for conferences and the such – not to see me). So most Mondays have been filled with some sort of human withdrawal and then coming home to an empty apartment doesn't help that situation. So I've focused a lot on redefining myself. I've gotten into fashion a lot more (changing my kick's laces to match my shirt color and plaid shirts cuffed over a long sleeve sweater... LOOK OUT!) and I've gone out by myself quite a few times, which is something I never thought I would do. So that's all been great but none that have given me the feeling I'm looking for.... what's this feeling you ask? Well I've gotten “the feeling” a few choice times since I've been out here. The other day when I was playing tennis with Ritz I got it. I was freewheelin', talking trash, and diving all over the court. I got the feeling when I had people over for dinner and we stayed in for the night and just chatted and I get the feeling every time I cook. It's all the times I felt like myself.

Living in the place my entire life, I think I really became dependent on other people making me feel like myself, like food for my soul. Part of the reason I wanted to move was that I felt stagnant. I didn't feel dynamic or evolvable (see I just made up that word) anymore. In that sense the move has been incredible but somewhere along the way I got ahead of myself. I think we spend so much time focusing on the gigantic world around us that we forget the feeling we get from looking inward.

It's definitely still strange to spend so much of my time alone and to spend so much time thinking but honestly I think the funk has been the result of me fighting myself. The other Sunday I walked out my front door and onto the street. At that moment I realized that I could do anything I wanted. I could swim in the lake if I wanted to or go buy an ice cream or drink at a bar. I was super overwhelmed. Then I let that idea marinate in my head for a while and the overwhelming-ness (another made up word) turned into a feeling of empowerment. I'm in a situation that few people find themselves in and that's crazy exciting. So instead of being overwhelmed by the world around me, I'm going to take a deep breath, shake out my hands and turn to the one thing that I almost forgot about but has been with my since the beginning... myself.

Jimmy V's Legacy

2007-04-18T00:04:00.001-07:00

With all the tragedy going on in the states and around the world I thought I would post something short and uplifting. As a public speaking lecturer and as a human being, this is one of the best speeches I've ever heard. The transitions are seamless, he hits all human emotion, gives you actionable advice and ends strong. It's about 10 minutes long but the entire thing is worthwhile. If you have time please watch the entire thing because the end is unbelievable. "Laugh.....think..... and have your emotions moved to tears."

Room with a View

2007-04-05T19:13:00.000-07:00

In our everyday lives we find ourselves looking out of windows all the time. When you look out of these windows what do you see? You might see birds flying freely or you might notice people walking. But perhaps what’s more interesting is not what’s outside the window but rather the influence of that which is inside the window.

At a time where I could not find my way (professionally), I went and spoke to my adviser and his advice is still marinating my mind. I basically came to him and asked what I should do to make myself sexier to potential companies and future business. I asked if I should be taking more technical engineering classes or if I should be taking more fuzzy design classes. He basically said in his perpetual joking manner, that it didn’t really matter what I took. The most important thing was to learn how to understand the folks that actually excel in those fields. Basically if I took an engineering class, marinate on what an engineer’s experience is like and the same for management classes or art classes. Empathy is one of the keys to success.

So earlier today, I bet at some point you started out some window. Jerome Bruhner (author of “Acts of Meaning”) talked at length about how every individual interprets and interacts with the world around them through a personalized view. Our eyes allow us to see things but it’s our experience and environment that creates the windows in which each of us views the world. Perhaps that sounds obvious but when you start thinking about the implications of such subjective viewpoints, things begin to make a whole lot more sense.

Imagine a blank piece of paper in your head. Now think of a group you’re a part of…. It could be a club or a cultural group. Draw a circle somewhere on that page to represent that group. That circle encompasses all that the group considers to be truth. Could be truth about the meaning of life or something as simple as shooting a gun can result in danger. Experience within some group could lead to both ideals. Now think of another group you’re a part of. Maybe your family or your college. These circles encompass the appropriate ideals as well. So why am I having you draw? Well each one of us, stands at the middle of these circles. These concentric circles represent the very grain with which we are made. Our actions, reactions, opinions and ideals can all be traced back to events, experiences and the history we’ve had in these cultures of our lives. For example I stand at the middle of San Ramon, Stanford, Konkani and now Chicago culture. Contradictions in ideals and morals could emerge but standing in the middle, we make decisions about what our view will be like (whether we do this consciously or now).

Immigrant parents are a great example of this idea. My parents for example still hold onto ideals that they experienced when they were young folks living in India. India doesn’t even hold these ideals anymore but those circles have stayed unchanged since my parents have been in the states for so long. They stand in the middle of some circles that don’t even exist anymore but the power of those views are still long-lasting.

Now think about the actions of world leaders. If they took more time to think about one another’s concentric circles, how different would the world be? Get microscopic on it and think about our everyday lives. When your car gets broken into, you could say, “How could people do this?” or you could realize that society has created an unfair system and as a result some people in urban areas have a very different set of circles and basic needs than those in the suburbs.

But yet the beauty of the circles is that they are truly dynamic. In college, I constantly had discussions with my hardcore Catholic buddy. His argument against all other world religions was that Catholicism was the only pure path to truth. Maybe it is, but I also know that he’s a guy whose life contains an extremely large Catholic circle. He views the world through these Catholic ideals and there is nothing wrong with that. The problem emerges when these windows becomes blind to the circles of the people around them.

My argument to him was always that truth is the residue of information mining. The way Forty Niners used to sift through California river beds, truth is found when we sift through the information around us.

Many world spiritual leaders understood the idea of these circles well before Bruhner. Swami Vivekananda once spoke at the World Fair (which was ironically in Chicago!). Now I’m not even going to pretend to be well read on him but I thought this speech was phenomenal. His message was that man viewed religion as an ocean. An ocean that could not be shared among groups and an ocean that certain people had rights to, while others just didn’t understand. (wait for it… here comes the circles!). Religion, he said, in actuality was not an ocean. Religions were merely rivers that joined into the same ocean. Call that ocean truth or love or whatever you want, that’s a pretty powerful thought.

I think that ideal extends beyond religion though. We all have similar desires and goals. Maybe they have different forms and we go about getting them differently but when they’re stripped to their base fundamentals, we’re all very similar. At one point, Gandhiji wanted to spread the idea that “God is truth” only later to decide that “Truth is God.”

We all stand in the middle of many circles. It’s who we are… it’s why we act the way we do. Every action stems from previous feelings and experiences and what we believe to be the way the world works. Why limit ourselves to these circles? I would like to believe that we’re much more dynamic than that. So when you’re looking out your window tonight, realize that although the view is nice, you’re only in a duplex. If only we actively put ourselves in the circles of the people around us… we could together enjoy the view from the penthouse of Trump Towers.

12 not 21

2007-04-02T23:07:00.000-07:00

Over the last two years or so, a lot of my friends have been really focused on getting older. They have started staying in a lot more and refuse to go out during the work week. I've been fighting the good fight against these evil thoughts. 21, is what I think. Live like you're 21. So I've been going out a lot and raging late into the night and having a damn good time but I realize something... the 21 year old lifestyle will always be there. Late night spots are always open and people will always frequent bars and clubs. It's not 21 that I need to focus on, it's 12.

How fun are those days when you do something super silly like play whiffle ball or play an old board game? You know the purest forms of entertainment. No expectations and no end in sight. Just enjoying the activity itself. So here are some things I have done in the past and things I have planned to feel 12 again.

BOXing - Rones and I used to put cardboard boxes on our heads and run into each other. People thought we were crazy but we would laugh like school girls.

RAZR Speedway - Someone on our hall in our dorm had one of those crazy Razr scooters. We would put up obstacles and ramps and time ourselves through the course.

Friday Recess - Oh yeah! I sent out an email at work AND people are all fired up about having recess on Fridays for lunch. Brown bag lunches and then switching between kickball, dodgeball, whiffle ball and maybe some ultimate frisbee. I cannot wait for this Friday lunch!

Nintendo Wii - Buying a Wii has given me that young VLove feeling sooooo many times now. I get so lost in the games and it's one of the greatest escapes in a long, long time.

Crazy Dance Party - Rones and I used to throw on dope beats late at night and battle one another with crazy dance moves. Today, Jandro, Vito and basically everyone I chill with is down for a crazy dance challenge anytime, anyplace.

Checkers - Residents of the former Casa de VAT will go outside with a checker board from
time to time and sign that reads, "CONNECT FOUR - 25 CENTS/GAME" and play any challengers from the street.

WEIRD OUT - Hegyi is my favorite opponent in this game. Every time we did Flaco's, we would try to weird one another out. Whether it be with weird looks or standing in each other personal space, we were laughing the entire time.

You got anymore ideas? Send 'em my way homey! Oh and check out the Poppin' and Lockin' Marionette at the Small World Project.

I think one of the greatest feelings is making someone you don't know or someone that seems uptight feel comfortable enough to be goofy. Why don't we do this more? The beauty of kids to me is the ability to find the goofiness in every situation. A toilet paper roll becomes a ball to throw, a cup of water becomes a water fight, a piece of paper is a football, two sticks become swords, and no matter what we can escape and marinate in those few hilarious moments.

The Art of Storytelling

2007-03-29T19:42:00.001-07:00

So I'm beginning to like the format of writing a summary of things that are going on in my life and then writing about something that has been marinating in my mind recently.

Lately I've been feeling like one of the characters on the TV Show Heroes (not the horn-rimmed glasses dude – come on now!). Slowly things are becoming more clear. I'm realizing things about myself and about how life works. I am not even close to any definitely answers but slow clarity is a good thing nonetheless. Telling others about my faults and insecurities used to feel like a sign of weakness to me. What would they think about me? What would they say about me? A lot of people probably think this way. But that's not the point. The point is bettering yourself. I am quickly realizing that being honest and in tune with your faults is the best way towards evolving above those faults. One of the most powerful things you can show someone is your vulnerability and then your ability to overcome that weakness. I feel like we are constantly wearing masks. We try to shield ourselves from the world around us in an attempt to hide our vulnerability, when in actuality the world around us is going through similar tribulations as our own. With that being said, I would like to lose more weight. I have no discipline with the things I eat. In 2006, I gave up beer and most things unhealthy and lost about 30 pounds only to move to Chicago and basically live inside a beer vat and eat all sorts of unhealthy creations. I'm telling you this not to complain or be sad about it. I'm telling you this because I think (I actually have no idea who reads my blog) some of my readers might be in a similar situation. Well let's work together then. How bout you email me every time you work out or every time you pass on eating something that's bad for you? I could do the same and we could motivate one another. Mangster and I used to do that and it worked in such a positive way! Just think of me as your Richard Simmons.... errrr how about the Tae Bo guy instead. On to Word Life. Part II

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Word Life. Part II

I ended the last section on language somewhere in the middle of written text. Oh baby, it's time to jump right off the page into oral communication. I am extremely intrigued with the spoken word because to communicate even the simplest idea we have basically unlimited word choice. People we all wear a toolbox of words around our waists throughout life. Too many people view speech as a means to get a message across to someone or a way to pass on information to an audience. That's not how it works at all! Your words are the tools that allow you to mix and interact with the audience. Your words and an audience are in constant motion with one another. It's a constant back and forth relationship. You say a few words and immediately the listener interprets those words and communicates back to you either verbally or with their body language and from that communication you adjust your message. In informal settings, we do this subconsciously all the time. Think about the last time you almost ruined a surprise or starting saying something you weren't supposed to. You saw a reaction from the listener and quickly tried to cover up your blunder. For some reason people forget about this all together when giving a formal speech. Speeches more than anything are a verbal relationship you create with a given audience. You can inspire them or make them feel the way you feel and in return you are able to understand how they feel.

A while back I became really fascinated with storytelling. We began teaching a unit in my class about how to tell a good story. Students starting coming back to us and saying that they were not only better at telling stories but their jokes were funnier and their friends were impressed at their timing. I started to think about people I consider great storytellers. Lots of people came to mind but a high percentage of them happened to be friends in India. Their tone variations and ability to mimic other voices and use imagery are very strong. So why are they so good at telling stories? Well most of them happen to be Konkani. Am I saying that my people are just naturally charismatic? (actually we're quite awkward). No, actually I think it's because Konkani does not have a written script. Ask most Konkani kids here about the story of the pigeon and the crow. The voices people make are similar and the story is basically the same. So over the years culture and traditions had to passed solely through oral tradition. The result is an inherent ability and comfort in varying tone and voice volume. I was telling some of my Nigerian friends about this the other day and they said the same thing about their family in Nigeria. They're part of the Igbo (pronounced EE-BO) tribe, which also has no written script and apparently their families also have an uncanny ability to tell good stories. Regardless, good storytellers have a great feel for the relationship I spoke about earlier. They are able to read their audience and adjusting on the fly. They read peoples' eyes and body language and through these cues are able to build a relationship. Just watch someone next time they're telling a good story. They're absorbing all sorts of cues from their audience. Comedians are a great example of this absorption process.

The other fascinating thing to me about spoken language is the barriers we create for ourselves. Formal language for example drives me nuts. I was talking to Ajay about this one day. You ever notice how super proper language is very barrier heavy. Lots of “excuse me” and “pardon me” and words that we don't normally use. Why do people feel like public speaking or any speaking for that matter needs to be formal and fancy? Isn't the point to get your message to the most number of people? Think about people from urban areas or from very dialect heavy parts of America. They way they speak is MUCH more inviting and in a way loving. It's not emotionless, instead there is lots of tone variations and almost a sense of warmth in every line. I have never seen the informality of spoken language as an inability to be articulate or a sign of ignorance. To me the spoken word is all about connecting with your audience and down home folks connect with me instantly. Ritzy folks, on the other hand, sometimes make uncomfortable. That amazes me though that word choice and tone alone can break these invisible barriers and create connections between a speaker and the listener.

We can't escape language because it's part of life. Perhaps we all could take one more minute to marinate on who we're speaking to and rather than telling them what we think, directly interacting with that audience. I think you would find that more often than not you would make connections with whomever you were speaking to. After all, isn't the point of written and spoken language to express ideas and express emotion? So why not think of it less as talking to someone and think of it as talking with someone. Now if I could just apply these principles at every bar I went to..... but that's a whole other blog entry.

They Thought I Was a Zero

2007-03-25T12:39:00.001-07:00

During a rough couple days last week, this commercial made me smile many, many times. I love when people in the media spotlight are honest and I have really come to admire the way certain athletes seemingly have no fear and believe in themselves in any situation. (I also love Gilbert Arenas - even though I hated him when he was at Arizona). "The reason I wear number zero is because it lets me know that I need to go out there and fight every night." I feel like we all have something (or many things) that we see in ourselves that other people might not and sometimes it's just a matter of staying true and believing in yourself.

Word Life.

2007-03-23T16:51:00.000-07:00

Last week was one of the loneliest weeks of my life and I'm happy about it. Instead of continuing to push things away and postpone thinking about them, I brought all my thoughts inward and came to terms and made some important decisions. It was almost like I finally digested the reality of things, which felt really good. I felt much more aware and at peace this week. A certain edge that I used to have years a go is starting to come back I think, which could be exciting. I've also realized recently that I enjoy language very much. Not just different languages (which are great) but accents, word chose, intonation, and generally just the way different people choose to same the exact same thing. So this post is the first of a multipart post on my thoughts on language and word chose. The theme of this thought flow is written language.

Sometimes I feel like I was meant to be a product design major. I've always thought about the way that I package things. One of my teachers in elementary school once told me, "I enjoyed your paper but you always sound like you're trying to sell something." I actually took that as a compliment, although she definitely meant it as a bad thing. I think you need to think about your reader and what they're going to get out of your writing. This blog is a perfect example. If I didn't want the reader to get anything out of it, it would be a Hello Kitty Diary underneath my bed. I think a lot about what people might take away from everything I write (even party invites, personal emails and notes). For every blog post I actually publish, I have about 2-3 post I just sit on. I think of every one of them as a piece, a product. Anyway before I weird you out with my idiosyncrasies, let's move on.

I've always been preoccupied with the way writing flows and making sure the way I start something I write keeps the same personality and somehow ties up loose ends and surprisingly returns to the opening sentiment in a Magellan like voyage for the reader (when we used to freestyle in college, I would call myself MC Magellan sometimes because when I would try to come back to the same line I started with when I passed the mic. People thought that was pretty stupid but I guess, a little funny). That's why speeches were entertaining to me. Speeches have a clear objective and you plan on giving the audience something, whether that is a feeling or a message (or if you're really on your game, both).

Now let's truncate this idea of written language down into a simpler form: Quotations. I have always been somewhat obsessed with quotations. In high school, I had a binder with two clear plastic openings on both sides. Everyday I would have a new quotation on each side and it became something that everyone in my class would walk over and read. I started out with famous quotations and then started making up my own. If you want a quotation that you write to seem famous, just put quotation marks around it. So in my room now I basically have an entire binder of quotations about everything from life, to girls I was into at the time, to what was going on in the world. I love the ones about girls because I would make them all cryptic and good friends would understand them but other people just took them as actual quotations about life. ZINGA! I got them!

Today I am basically out of the quotation game and have shrunken the scope down even further to a Rick Moranis size level. One day I was thinking about where I want to be. I thought about characteristics I would love to embody and about where those characteristics could someday lead. What I basically drew up for myself was a character map (not to be confused with a "character map" for computers you technophiles). It was four words/characteristics that I want to always hold on to and the fifth characteristic is where they would lead. Another way to think about it would be four corners and the fifth characteristic is the center of the rectangle. Physically drawing it out helped quite a bit too (I need to see things to properly absorb them). So if you had to do the same thing, what would your four corners be? What would be the four steps on your path to the fifth? The plan is to have the four words framed between my bed, the bathroom and the kitchen with the fifth above my door, so every morning I have to walk through the set. I think about the words a lot and in some ways I think they have helped me stay on track. It's nice to think that in such a goal oriented society, you can break larger goals down into words and act upon them.

People absorb the words you use. I realize that more than ever now at a company where basically everyone reads every word of everything I write. People don't skim but rather break apart every line. That's not to say that people should freak out about writing or get nervous. It's more to say that in a language where you can say any sentiment in a hundred different ways, shouldn't you choose the words that best represent you? And if you do draw out that four corner diagram of yourself, you'll find that you get a warm fuzzy feeling anytime you use one of those five words maybe because subconsciously you've become that way.

The Embrace

2007-02-25T13:14:00.000-08:00

Do you ever just close your eyes and just fade into your own space? A place that's dark and empty but unlike other things that share the same characteristics, this place is comforting. This morning as I walked outside, I closed my eyes, let the gentle snow/water droplets surround my face. A smile kind of cracked on my face and in this darkness I continued walking, toward a now seemingly forgotten destination. Why does that feel so good? Is it because I'm the only one that can be there? Is it because I am entirely myself in that space? The ultimate home for the self?

Then I could see the grass and the concrete all around me. David and I went to the playground so much we still joke about how no humans have taken as many steps on that basketball court as us. Of course no one is at the park on these days. It's raining something heavy and we're laughing at the splashing water of every dribble and undoubtedly this day would end with us lying down on the court and instead of cursing the rain like everyone else, we would embrace it. It was always a rush being the only crazy people out there in the rain. On a few rainy days where Dave couldn't come out, I would still go by myself. The ultimate in loneliness right? Out on an abandoned playground in the pouring rain. It's funny but on those days I felt the most comfortable almost as thought I was not alone. That the world around me was alive. I used to lay down on this concrete ridge near the tire swing. I would close my eyes, take a deep breath and get this feeling that very few things still give me. It put me somewhere. Everyone was inside hiding from the rain. They were scared to come out in the cold. They didn't want to get wet. I was outside basically as one with the rain as someone can get. Now did I feel close to nature or something? I don't know about that but nothing to get to me there. I was alone but at the same time felt like everyone was with me. No distractions, no complications, no worries. It was the rain and me.

How come it's so hard to find those moments as we get older? Do we get so caught up on our jobs and our responsibilities? To be honest, since I've moved out here I've been kind of stressed. It's hard going back to work and realizing that every morning you have to perform. It's stressful to think about bills and maintaining your own place. Guess what I told myself? Get over it. Life is responsibility. Everyday is going to bring some sort of challenge so you can either stress about it all night and be anxious for tomorrow or embrace the few moments you get to yourself.

Most of the people that read my blog are on the younger side I think. Time is only speeding up. I've already been in Chicago for two months. People keep telling me that it seems like I'm really embracing my time here. Am I? I am trying but I need to try harder. In TWO MONTHS I still haven't: walked to Wrigley Field, gone on a run in the snow, gone on a date, worked out enough, finished decorating my place, etc. etc. What do you still need to do? Anything you're being lazy about?

I guess what I'm saying here is at the least is, how do we better enjoy the moments between the sucky-ness? And ideally how do we change our attitude to get through the sucky-ness with our heads high so we can get to the embrace that much faster.

As I look outside the cafe windows, it's still snowing a lot outside. Now maybe it's because I'm still new to the cold. Maybe it's because I don't have to be outside very much today. It's going to rain again. It's going to snow again. You're going to be stuck in the cold or the hot or whatever. You can either fight it and defend yourself against it or you can embrace it as best you can. I have no idea what people reading my blog thing about my posts. I'm not trying to be a overly naive idealist. I'm trying to adjust my attitude to make everyday as productive and positive as possible. I fail miserably most days but the days I make it happen are incredibly sweet and on my walk home today I am definitely going to close my eyes, fade into that comforting darkness, and for that moment embrace that around us which we can't change. Am I the only one?

Dumbtron in the Booth Once More

2007-02-19T19:36:00.000-08:00

This weekend was one of the greatest weekends in a long time. Now, by a long time I mean years probably. Rones, Vik, Dede, and Olu came to visit me and the rest of the Chicago homies. So the 7 of us partied like it was 2001 (maybe even harder than that - if that's even possible). I was going to write a lot today but the brain is definitely still marinating in cheap beer.

Here are some pictures of the nuttiness:

Which brings me to something that's been playing around in my brain for sometime now. I will come back with a great blog post tomorrow night but today, I present to you....... The Small World Project.

The Pond on the Lake

2007-02-12T20:26:00.000-08:00

Everyday on my drive home from work I would see giant waves crashing up against these steps, that looked like the perfect place to sit and inhale life for a couple peaceful moments. I had been thinking about those steps for about a month until this weekend when I finally made some time to take a walk around my neighborhood (that wasn't a walk to a bar). I circled the pond in front of my place only to see two tiny holes in the sheets of ice where seemingly hundreds of geese were kickin' back and enjoying the water. The scene was magical to say the least. I've never really seen a frozen body of water until this weekend and then to see animals at play on and around it blew my mind. I continued my walk while the squirrels and geese and pretty white birds seemed to be playing all around me. I walked out toward the place where I had seen the waves crashing just a few weeks ago. I couldn't find it. I was pretty confused. I took a closer look. My oh my, straight out of Blue Planet (best nature documentary created by humans) the part of Lake Michigan that had been furiously crashing into the coast was FROZEN! I got a crazy giddy smile on my face as I walked closer. In fact it wasn't entirely frozen but the kind of frozen you see in the North Pole where large chunks of ice are frozen in thinner layers of ice. The only thing that was missing was a polar bear and some seals. I just stood there amazed basically by life. You ever have those moments?That was the most inspiring thing I have seen in quite some time.

That story basically sums up the last month in two ways. First, on a daily basis I have been seeing things for the first time. I've only seen snow like 4 times in my entire life and now I'm living in it. It doesn't stop there though. I have to wear thick jackets, the town I'm living in went to the Super Bowl, beer is a dollar a pint some nights, wings are 10 cents a piece, everyone loves sports and every bar plays sports late into the night (central time!). But on top of these topical changes, I also feel like my eyes are open again for the first time in years. You know when you've been walking down the same streets everyday and then one day you notice that funny door or that gargoyle that you had never seen before? Well I feel that way about EVERYTHING. It's basically like I've been given a new set of eyes and I'm hungry to learn about everything. I'm basically like a toddler than looks around real fast and seems like he has ADD about the world around him.

The second thing that story made me realize is the affect things around us have on the things around us. The cold turns the water to ice and then soon the heat will turn the ice to water and the tide will bring the water to the shore and then the cold will make the water ice again. Before I moved, I became somewhat of a thing that was no longer dynamic. I wasn't letting myself change. I wasn't letting myself be altered by the things around me. It wasn't because of a lack of stimuli but rather because I became so familiar with my environment. Anyway, the same way the sun will melt the ice, we have an affect on one another (is that a stretch?). On my drive to work, I drive by this church that says, "Mistakes are Lessons Too." I smile every morning and then I drive over a bridge that used to say "HONK FOR DA BEARS" which would make me smile again. No matter what kind of mood I am in, those two things make me smile in the morning. I have no idea who put them up but they are having an affect on me every morning.

I've been in Chicago for a month now. I haven't blogged. I haven't been the best about being in contact with people and I don't feel bad about it. I needed the last month to open my eyes again. If I didn't have internet access at all, I bet the last month would have been even more dramatic. I really appreciate all the people that have been asking about me and the people that are missing my blog. Let me tell you, I am still getting settled but I am loving my time so far in Chicago. So when the pond on the lake melts, hopefully I will have evoled just as much as it has. My eyes are open, I'm allowing the little things effect me, and I'm hungry for change. Let's just hope I don't get full too soon.

Like Tevin Campbell, I'm Ready

2006-12-10T14:19:00.000-08:00

First off, I just wanted to say I am blessed with some of the most loyal friends a human could ever have in life (perhaps a monkey could have better friends). With that out of the way, I wanted to write about really makes me tick. I think of myself as a pretty complicated dude but I know to people that have known me all my life, I am super predictable. People can tell when I'm upset or when I'm thinking about something or when something is bothering me. I am in fact rather simple. This is much more heartfelt than most of my posts so sorry to weird you out. I had a lot of revelations this last weekend and it sucks sometimes that it takes bad things or dumb actions to make them come about but I guess that's life. My whole life I've basically been motivated by very few things. My main motivation is definitely respect. I've always put all of me into trying to get everyone around me to respect what I stand for and the actions I take everyday. My other motivation (which is much more sobconscious) has been to be very social because my biggest fear is being alone. Maybe not in the traditional sense but I really hate when you're in a big group of people and feel alone. That's the worst. With these two ideals really at the heart of what I am, I realized recently that I haven't been true to myself. With this blog, with some conversations I've had with people, with relationships I have..... I've been fronting for far too long now. Listen... I'm a very confident person. I'm confident about things that I have control over. I think that's why I love public speaking so much. When I'm in front of a room of people, I am in control of content and things seriously slow down in my head to a comfortable speed. I see things much more clearly when I'm standing in front of a room. I love sports because you can work and work and become as skilled as you want in them. Progress in is tangible... it's real. It's the unpredictable... it's the unexpected and the abstract things in life that are really messing with me now. In my goal to be respected, I've focused so hard on being on point and being a smooth individual. I guess subconsciously I thought being human and emotional was a sign of not being confident. Here's the thing.. I'm afraid. I'm afraid of sooo many things and I don't want to pretend anymore that I'm not.

I'm afraid that something will happen to my family when I move especially my grandma. I'm afraid that my expectations for myself can never be reached. I'm afraid of letting down all the people I grew up with in San Ramon. I'm afraid that my relationships in California will change for the worse once I move. I'm afraid of realizing that things I've dreamed of are in fact impossible. I'm afraid that I won't like my new job and city. I'm afraid that I've ruined a friendship that's really special to me. I'm afraid that I procrastinate too much and act too lazy at times. I'm afraid of success and I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid that Stanford will never be good at basketball again and I'm afraid that hate will always exist. Basically I'm proud to say I'm afraid. I'm proud to say I'm human. I'm been holding back on feeling for far too long now and I feel more human than I have in a long time.

I'm not sure why all of these thoughts finally broke through and I'm not sure why it took me basically acting stupid towards someone I care so much about but it did. Life is funny that way. It's unpredictable and it's relentless in that you can't take back your actions. But it's also brilliant and things seem to have a way of working out when you do the right thing and treat people around you well. I might be afraid but you know what, I'm finally ready. The next chapter is about to start and I'm ready to take on life and ready to take on the next challenge. I just hope that all the people I love and all the people that have made me who I am are there to see when I do.

The Theory of Tomorrow

2006-11-29T11:20:00.000-08:00

I am incredibly lazy but at the same time I am pretty proactive and get things done. My laziness comes in the form of having a really hard time actually starting things. Once I start a project and the ball is rolling, it's actually hard for me to stop. I get so focused and intense that I need to complete the task. The problem with this type of personality is that most of the time, I don't start anything. I think about completing a task and then think to myself, "you know what man, you should relax today, get that shit done tomorrow."

When I was little, my mom would tell me to clean something up and I would always tell her that I would do it tomorrow. Every time her or my grandma would bring up the story of Lord Ganesha and his wedding. Parvathi (his mom) would continually ask Ganesha when he wanted to get married. Everytime she asked, he would say that he would be ready tomorrow. As it turns out, he was never married because he always postponed the date.

After millions and millions of lazy moments in my life, where postponing something inconsequential has led to a huge headache (i.e. credit card bills, rebates, RSVPing for stuff), I got hit in the face with a revelation of sorts. What if I always tried to put myself in the best situation tomorrow. Do everything I can right now to make tomorrow sweet. Now, to some of you that may sound simple but this is coming from a guy that used to write high school essays the morning they were due at times and had to run to the post office to get his college applications in on time. So the idea now, is to act in a way to make tomorrow easier than today.

This matches well with my philosophy of life that you need to view things in life as if they are a groundball in baseball. Now if you wait on the baseball and let it come to you, chances are it's going to take a bad hop or bounce and hit you in the face. Believe me, my laziness has definitely resulted in me getting hit in the face (literally and metaphorically). In this position, we are back on our heels and we are basically at the mercy of the bouncing ball coming our way. We don't give ourselves as much reaction time and we end up getting eaten by the ball. Now, a great short-stop was ready for the ball even before it was hit. In their stance even before the pitch was delivered, the short-stop creeps in on the ball and decided which hop of the ball he wants to charge. The play is made on his terms and in his time. I feel like that's how I need to start living life.

I've been on my heels for far too long now. Saying things like, "my diet will start after this pizza slice" or "I'll send out that email tomorrow morning" (I barely even see mornings these days). I'm starting to think this way of thinking applies to everything. Business environments and social environments alike. Charging the groundball is what life is all about. I was going to postpone this blog entry but I keep repeating in my head, "tomorrow starts today.... so make it happen."

The 1st Annual (V)Love Awards

2006-11-28T18:18:00.000-08:00

First off, like Nirvana, I am all apologies. I now owe basically all my readers dinner. Remind me and you can collect someday. I have this mental issue where I can blog for a couple days, then I think of amazing topics and content in the car but when I sit down nothing comes out (or what does come out is not good enough to me.) Anyway, I was talking to Swats last night about people that we admire in our lives and I an idea struck me square in the face.

Why not come up with annual awards for people that have made a difference or have influenced my life? At first I thought having something like "The (V)Love Award" would go to the person that has shown the most amount of altruistic love and selflessness to people that I know. But then I realized that this could go on and on. I could give a "Flava in Your Ear" Award to the person that has been the best listener to me this year. I could give a "Dr. Phil Award" to the person that has given me the best advice this year. How about a "Michael Richards Award" to the biggest asshole in my life this year. And I am not just talking about posting this online or sending out an email. I want to actually get trophies or plaques for these people. Here are some other categories I thought about:

The (V)Love Award: most altruistic and selfless person of the year
Flava in Your Ear Award: best listener
Dr. Phil Award: best advice giver
Be Like Mike Award: person I strive to be more like
Kobayashi Award: favorite eating partner
Diabetes Award: always making others smile, basically the sweetest person

Urkel Award: the person that urked the shit out of me the most
Kramer Award: biggest asshole I've been around

You got any more for me? I guess whether I do the first annual (V)Love Awards or not doesn't really matter but just thinking about them since last night has really got me thinking about how specifically people around me make a difference and influence my life. What awards would you make for your life? And among people we both many know, who would you nominate from my list?

Beards.... How Many of Us Have Them?

2006-11-09T01:11:00.000-08:00

I already posted tonight but I wanted to shoot out one more short post. Is that against the law? I've been thinking about beards a lot lately and over the years I have shared my theory about beards to anyone who would listen. Here's how it goes:

"On first meeting a stranger, a beard will never up the face value of that person. It will either cause a neutral to negative affect."

"Beards look sweet on people that you already know and look especially sweet when they're not on your own face."

I have seen my theory pan out time and time again and I am sticking to it. Anyway, I've been growing my beard out for quite some time now and once you get past the itchy and uncomfortable stage (as Rones will atest) having a beard can actually be a lot of fun. Here are some beard shots I recently took:

Me and Rones looking like real mountain men.

What just cause I have a beard? (That's what I was thinking)

Alas, tonight my beard was trimmed into a goatee. We shall see how long before I revert back to a shaven face. Thus is the life of a beard my friends. Enjoy them while they last because everyone knows most beards can't live forever. (I wish I could insert a montage of beards here with "Forever Young" playing in the background)

I'm bringing spicy back....

2006-11-09T00:32:00.000-08:00

Well actually it hasn't gone anywhere but the last few days I have been quite insane with my recklessness with spiciness. Before I get into a few tall tales of my historical relationship with peppers... I would like to precaution you... some of what you are about to read may disgust you... it may horrify you and in the end it may reach out and give you a case of the "ring of fire."

Growing up I wasn't necessarily consciously a nut about spicy things but I didn't really have a choice. My mom would make (and still makes) some of the spiciest curries I have ever encountered. When I was really little I would try to fight off the spice with cup after cup of water or milk or I would try to eat something quickly after dinner to quell my mouth pains. All foolish tactics I would later learn. Water basically only postpones the pain, milk makes you way to full and kills off the amazing after-taste of some dishes (I will sometimes not eat dessert just to keep an after-taste as long as humanly possible) and trying to eat something afterwards to ward off the pain? Just foolish. Often times the thing would be hard or crispy and would just feel like it was cutting my mouth all over the place. So what became my standard tactic you might ask? I would go outside, take deep breaths, and let my eyes and nose water and my head sweat. After a few times that feeling became almost euphoric (and still is!). At times the dishes were still bordering insanity but me and my sisters built up a tolerance.

It was then that I realized my mom's dishes were just a gateway drug into harder spices. The fried pepper challenge arose. My mom and grandma would fry giant and medium size red peppers every year and keep them in a jar in our kitchen. My sisters would began challenging me to eat as many as possible without drinking any water. I think the record was something like 8 or 9 back then. They are soooo delicious by the way and not as spicy as you would think they would be. They are actually more salty than spicy. Anyway, that is neither here nor there.

Middle school and high school were mostly a blur in my spice life, other than my Tabasco shooter before finals in high school. My sister got me a six pack of tiny Tabasco shooters and I would carry one in my backpack all the time. Before one final I took a shot and did well so I started doing that before all of them. Not gigantic shots, just a tiny taste to get me fired up. Who knew I was still no naive at this point in my life about spices?

Let's fast forward to freshman year in college. I was rushing Sigma Nu and one of our pledge events was to eat spicy chicken wings. Vik, Ziggy, and I laughed at this idea. We were all cocky in our abilities to eat spicy things and thought the older guys were going to feel stupid when we actually enjoyed eating the wings. So we got to the place and basically every older dude in my fraternity was on hand to watch the challenge. That worried me a little bit and then I got worried much, much more. One of the older guys went up to the counter and ordered 3 "911 Challenges." We were given 3 clipboards and 3 waivers to sign! WAIVERS! I kid you not. Most of the things on the waiver were written in a joking manner but I was still worried (things like, "if I touch my eyes and go blind...... if I need medical attention.... I will not hold Cluck U responsible). Anyway, we all looked at each other and I took a deep breath and then the wings came out.

You couldn't even see the wings in the paper boats. They were swimming in a thick black sauce and with them came these instructions from a waiter. "You guys have 10 minutes to eat all 12 wings. You cannot wipe your hands or your face and you cannot drink water for a full 5 minutes after you're done eating." Basically we were screwed. We grabbed the first wing and ate it down. Tasted like a normal wing..... oh wait that was until I felt horrible, painful burning all the way from my lips to my tongue then to my throat all the way down to my stomach. At this point my stomach was burning. I could still feel (with burning pain) the entire path of the wing. But on this day I was not going to back down. I grabbed another wing and sucked it down. As I grabbed my third wing something happened. My eyes and nose started to water. GLORIOUS euphoria I thought. But alas, that watering was followed by the numbing of my entire face and giant hiccups. My hands started to tremble. I still slowly moved the third wing toward my mouth but one of the older guys made me stop and I was done. Vik actually got through 3 wings, which is balls out in my book. I ran outside and threw up all over the place. I then drank about a gallon of milk and a tub of ice cream right in front of the joint. At this point, I was so shaken up that I couldn't safely drive home. I was basically wasted. When I got home I ran to the bathroom to puke some more and low and behold, Vik and Ziggy were already in the can puking their guts out. Want to know something disgusting? Yeah spicy chicken wings are even spicier when they splash into your eyes. My night ended with me passing out on the floor in the hall and my RA calling an EMT friend to come check me out. I had no idea that eating something spicy could actually kill you. I went to bed and vowed to never eat hot wings again.

Spicy eaters know full well that eating extremely spicy things is a commitment. You are committing to the meal itself, whatever stomach issues that might arise, and of course we always forget to think through the next day when spicy treats reenter the world. That morning, I was startled by Ziggy coming up to me and saying, "Whatever you do, don't take a shower. My hands... they're burning." What a crazy thing to say, I thought. Holy shit, my hands BURNED sooooo bad when I got into the shower. The felt like they were on fire. I ran to my room and called my grandma (I just had a feeling that she would know what to do), who calmly said, "Just put them in milk." (Well she said that in Konkani. She doesn't speak English remember?) So by noon, I had basically visited the "ring of fire" in the bathroom and I was sitting in the dining hall with my two hands in two cups of milk.

I guess the moral of the story here is that most foods you can enjoy at anytime and live in the moment. Spicy food on the other hand is not just food... it's a commitment and if you're not committed for the next 24 hours might unwillingly be visiting your good friend vlove at the "Ring of Fire." (Since I seem to have a summer home there.)

And the Packing Begins....

2006-11-08T00:16:00.000-08:00

I believe most people that read my blog know that I am moving to Chicago in late December or early January. I actually haven't sent out a mass email yet to people because 1) I don't know my permanent address yet and 2) until I find a place, the move won't feel secured. Anyway, I'm going on a house-hunting trip this weekend and since my aunt lives in Chicago, it's a great opportunity to take a bunch of stuff with me. So the last two days I have been packing. I have been PACKING! It didn't really hit me until I started packing that this move is actually going to happen and also that I haven't really EVER had to really move before.

Well I went off the college, I made the move in no less than 10 trips (since Stanford is so close to home). So it didn't really feel like I was moving. I guess it felt more like an extended trip I was going for a long time. When I moved to San Francisco, I fit all my belongings into my Toyota Carolla, so that didn't feel like a real move either. Needless to say the last two days have been weird. This is where I need your help. One of my New Year's Marinations is to write more things down. So, I have catalogged everything that I have packed thus far. I have one more day to pack and then of course I can bring some things when I actually fly out in January. So check out the list and tell me what I'm missing! (I didn't include clothes because that would just be boring to ya'll). So in all the moves that you have done, what are the things you wish you had brought along with you but forgotten? And what am I missing below???? TELL ME!

Chicago Packing List
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KITCHENWARE:
12 Spoons
12 Knives
12 Spoons
12 Serving Spoons
2 Spatulas
Tongs
Spoon Holder (Stove)
Wooden Spoon
Strainer
Cheese Grater
Egg beater

Fish Runthay Sauce Pan
Spaghetti Pots (4 qt.)
Square Skillet
Sauce Pan w/Lid (3 qt.)
Sauce Pan w/Lid (1 qt.)
Tiny Omelet Pan
Spaghetti Strainer (metal)
Random Bowl (off-white)
2 Random Marination Bowls
Indian Pan/Pot Cover

George Foreman Grill
Rice Cooker
Blender
Cutting Board (white)

DISHWARE:
8 Stanford Plastic Cups
5 Plates (w/ tan abstract design)

BEDROOMWARE:
Down Comforter (blue)
2 Bedsheets (Queen - bamboo pattern)
Bedsheet Set (tan w/ stripes)
4 Pillow Cases (turquoise)
2 Pillows (green)
Rough Throw Blanket
Flannel Throw Blanket (wild)
Gigantic Blanket (baby blue)

BATHROOM:
4 Large Towels
3 Medium Size Towel
6 Hand Towels
6 Wash Towels
1 Beach Towel (ridiculously large)
8 Irish Spring Bars (micro)
6 Irish Spring Bars (aloe)
ACT Mouthwash
Bodywash
Aquafresh Toothpaste
2 Agras (1 metal/1 plastic)

New Year's Marinations

2006-11-01T22:19:00.000-08:00

Soooooooo, I've always been a big fan of coming up with a bunch of resolutions that I have little to no chance of completing. Every year, a couple days before New Year's Eve (some years even after New Year's Day) I sit in the shower or while I'm driving and come up with lofty goals for the year. The goals have dealt with everything from my diet, women, lifestyle, and a bunch of other random stuff. Anyway, this year I've been kind of successful with a couple of my resolutions from last year. The first was to get more fit this year. I also decided to give up beer for all of 2006 and somehow I have also stood true to that. Now! What does 2007 have in store for VLove in the form of resolutions? Well, normally I would wait until after Christmas to think about this but my friends let's change the game.

I have challenge for you people. I would like to make November a month to experiment with resolutions. For example, I am not eating meat until Thanksgiving, changing my workout and I am thinking about only drinking water and milk (and hard alcohol of course - don't worry). I call these things, New Year's Marinations. Think about it.... how good would you feel if you sat down this week and came up with a bunch of things you want to change about yourself, your life, your existence and you slowly started doing them this month. Then in December you could become even more strict with these Marinations and by the time 2007 arrives, you will already be at full speed on your New Year's Resolutions, instead of giving up things cold-turkey.

So what New Year's Marinations are you thinking about this November? Do you want to lose weight? Do you want to meet a new person every week? Do you want to get better at keeping in touch with friends? Do you want to save more money and spend less? Do you want to learn a new language? Do you want to cook a new dish every week? I have a bunch of things I would love to get better at in the New Year. In an effort to get on the right track, I am going to keep track of certain things in November and December. Here are a couple examples:

1) Fitness: I would love to continue my fitness goals and for this I am going to keep track of everything I eat (in my eats log) and everytime I work out (in my get yolked log).

2) Communication: I need to get better at staying in touch with people. My goal for 2007 is to send 2 personal emails every single day. So I'm keeping track of people I email and making a list of people I haven't talked to in a while (in my holler log).

3) Productivity: A long time ago, Ramit told me to start keeping track of what I do every hour of every day. I was scared to do this because I don't do anything most of the day. Anyway, I need to get better at managing my time! (especially being more proactive Friday through Sunday) So I am keeping track of my productivity each day (in my make-it-happen log).

Anyway these are just a few examples. Other people I've talked to have brought up all sorts of great, creative goals. Resolutions having to do with reading more magazines per day, having more random conversations with random people, volunteering once a week, etc. So folks, send me some Marinations that you've been thinking about and I would love to share them on my blog (anonymously if you wish!). The more great ideas we can share now, the better the chance that we jump on board BEFORE New Year's Eve.

I guess the point here is.... don't wait until December 31, to think about this. There's a quotation that I hope sums up 2007 for me. It goes.... "tomorrow starts today, so make it happen right now." Start some New Year's Marinations now in November, grow them into Resolutions in December and bring positive change to your life even before the clock strikes midnight. The main question here is, who do you want to be? Make it happen.

I've Got a Story to Tell

2006-10-30T23:48:00.000-08:00

Well actually not only do I have a story to tell but I've come to the conclusion that everyone has a story to tell. The problem is that not everyone is fortunate enough to have someone to listen to their story.

About a month ago, me and some buddies rolled to this new hookah lounge in Blackhawk. Now I had frequented this place maybe 2 or 3 times before this visit but this time I was in a very talkative mood. We had been bbqing the entire day in the park and I may or may not have been drinking since around noon on that day. Anyway, we rolled over to the spot around 11 at night. When we arrived it was the usual workers that I had always seen. Two young boys (probably around my age or younger) and their uncle (I knew it was their uncle because I had asked the time before). I was on a mission to hang out with these guys that night so as soon as we walked in I told the uncle that he had to come and smoke with us. To give you an idea of what this dude's style is like, he's a middle-age middle eastern guy, that always wears a white dress shirt (of course with no undershirt and the top few buttons undone) and lots of jewelry. He also usually has a Bluetooth earpiece on and randomly chats with seemingly imaginary people on the other end. To make a long story short.... he brought his own hookah to our table and sat down with us. His two nephews came over too and they told us basically their lifestory. They were Palestinian and enlightened us about what it was like living in Palestine and coming to America. They sat with us the entire night basically and answered any question we had for them. At times we all broke into heated debate about everything from the Israeli government to who actually killed Mahatma Gandhi. It was an awesome night. I don't know too much about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and it was seriously mind-blowing to hear all the first-hand stories from these gracious guys.

Why doesn't this happen more? No, I don't mean me hanging out with Palestinians, I mean random conversations, with random people, about real topics. I really miss freshman year in college for this reason. We would stay up super late and just chat about anything. It seemed like as soon as one random topic was completely exhausted someone would chime in with another totally random question and we would all go nuts on it. Sometimes I just crave these random rambling conversations. I think they're healthy because they 1) let you understand your friends better (when you have them with your friends), 2) let you understand yourself better (when you have them with random people), 3) and make you think about things that you would have never sat by yourself and thought about. So am I promoting sitting around and talking about deep topics with your closest friends? No, not at all.

I feel like the opportunity to hear other people's story is all around us. It could be the cab driver that drives you to club night tonight. It could be the girl sitting next to you on the train. It could be the man working behind the counter at the 7-11 (I've had some awesome conversations with clerks before). I remember one conversation I had with an old man on a place. Actually I don't remember any of the conversation except one thing. He said that whenever he gets overwhelmed he thinks of his granddaughter. Whenever he visits her, he would pick her up above his head and she would say to him, "Grandpa, I can see the entire world from up here." For some reason I think about that line when I lose sight of life and need some perspective. I've had cab drivers from all sorts of African countries (that have told me about their country) even one in Austin, who's contact information I got because he was so awesome to chat with.

What's kind of sad these days is that people kind of keep to themselves when they're in public. On public transportation people are rocking their iPods and I see people eating by themselves all the time at restaurants (I hate seeing that). Would it be weird to ask someone eating by themselves to join your party? Why don't they make a restaurant where each table is different topic? Or better yet, half of the restaurant is just seating for people that want to actually talk to each other.

We have on family friend in Texas that is probably the friendliest woman I've ever met. You know when you ask someone to take a picture for you (when you're on vacation)? Well before digital cameras were around, she would take other people's pictures on her camera too and get their contact information and actually keep in touch with them. Talk about great communication skills. I guess I'm getting a little off topic here though.

The point is, everyone around you has a story to tell. Some of them know what their story is and some of them need people to ask them questions to formulate that story. Some of them have told their story many times and have refined it to perfection and others have yet to even spread their gospel to the world. Think about the random people you encounter every single day! The grocery store clerk, the gas station attendant, the stranger at work, and many many more. Remember they each have a story to tell.... are you going to listen?

Random Acts of Marination

2006-10-21T05:06:00.000-07:00

So sorry I haven't posted in a while. My new promise to you my avid reader.... two post a week. Yeah you heard it right. Two posts a week. And if I don't and you call me on it.. free dinner for you. So it's 5 AM... I've been out all night and I want to be random so here comes stream of VLoveness.

There are 3 songs I've been thinking a lot about lately (you should download all 3 right now!). They are Bobby Caldwell - "Open Your Eyes," William Bell - "I Forgot to Be Your Lover" and Stevie Wonder - "Ribbon in the Sky." Let me know when you download them so I can welcome you to your new life. William Bell's "I Forgot To Be Your Lover" is one of the greatest songs my ears have had the pleasure to experience. Also if you've never heard any Donny Hathaway, your life is not as pleasurable as it could be.

I was going to be super randocious with this post but I've decided to focus on music instead. Growing up my sisters were HUGE music fans. I HATED! music. They would sing all these 80s songs and we would watch Disney movies and they would sing along. It all rubbed me the wrong way. Then one day I was in the bathroom and I caught myself saying/singing "tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme.. beauty and the beast..." I thought to myself... what the hell. Where did that come from? Anyway unfortunately my sisters heard me singing that on the toilet and clowned the shit out of me for a while. Anyway I guess that's the first time I remember enjoying music. Weird eh? Don't judge me! My musical life was born and I never looked back.

My buddy David and Joey and my sisters would become the foundational elements for my music tastes today. My sisters implanted that 80s flavor in my head (although I didn't appreciate it till I was older - all that New Order, Duran Duran, the Cure, etc). Anyway, David, Joey and I would only listen to Guns and Roses, Metallica, and Dr. Dre growing up. So I loved hard rock and I loved rap. I'm glad they had such broad tasts because it made me appreciate weird music when I got older.

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Question time out: What's the first CD you ever bought? Mine was the Fugees "The Score." I don't even know where it is today but I listened to that CD SOOO much. What's the first concert you went too? Did you have good time? I didn't go to a single concert until I was in college! Can you believe that?
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Okay back the post. Middle school was filled with R and B. Boyz II Men, Aaliyah, and Mary J. Blige. Rome, Ginuwine and 3T. I fell in love with hip hop and R and B music. What a great time for school dances. All the songs were dirty but we didn't even know because they were so cleverly soulful. My music taste stayed the same through high school with the occasional rock group I liked but Tupac and Biggie and 90s hip hop were a big influence.

Then I went to college and my head exploded. I don't think I ever thought about music until I went to school. I loved music. I loved certain artists but I never THOUGHT about what I was listening too and what artists were saying. My roommates and homies changed my musical life forever. My drawgoup at Stanford was 5 buddies. They all had crazy different taste in music and they all rubbed off on me! Then the girl I was dating was super into country music and that rubbed off on me too! So I got heavy into conscience hip hop, some folk music, spanish guitar music, and country music. Anyway I guess that's the evolution of my music tastes. Here are some of the greatest music moments of my life:

Acapulco, Mexico:
Me and a bunch of buddies went to Mexico for Spring Break. We brought a couple Country Mix CDs and some of the guys (one in particular - Mike Scrafford) was clowning the shit out of us. Things like "why would you bring that music..' blah blah blah. He's from Kansas mind you. Anyway, one night we came back from partying and everyone was still drunk. Me and Dede threw in one of the CDs and went nuts! We were bopping around the room and singing super loud. Within 5 minutes a bunch of girls from the University of Kansas and some dudes were in our room prancing around and singing with us. Everyone one was belting out the lyrics - oh oh including our buddy Mike Scrafford,who kept saying "this is my songgggg." That shit was classic.

The Booth:
Tyrone and me used to call our room in the Soto Dorm at Stanford, "The Booth." Oh was the booth classic. After parties people from our dorm would come to our room, we would put instrumentals on, and everyone would freestyle. It was such a healthy atmosphere. People who were shy would even get on the mic. It was awesome! One time Gustavo even freestyled in Spanish. That wasn't the best part though. We hated our lives that year for many, many reasons. But something I will never forget is Rones and I would pull ridiculous all-nighters and get frustrated or tired and pause. We would bump some dope beats and just break it down in the middle of our room. Just crazy dance moves, act a fool, do whatever we felt like to relieve our stress. The Booth lives on.

Pre-Formal Strut:
This last one is more obscure but I want to do it again. Sigma Nu Formal my senior year and we were about to roll on the bus to the venue. But right before we left the house, we put on some 70s funk music AND everyone around us got into two rows and we made everyone STRUT down the row. Each person did their own classic strut and busted out. We all got so pumped and I loved every moment of it.

So there it is. I love music. I used to bring the boombox into the bathroom to brush my teeth, take a shower and all over the house. I would listen to music when I was going to sleep and as soon as I got up in the morning. I'm obsessed in other words. Over the years, the people around me have influenced the way I hear and listen to this music and I really appreciate that.

Farmer V

2006-10-09T00:35:00.000-07:00

I have no voice. I lost it sometime in the morning on Saturday. It could have been caused by the repeated trips to a new hookah lounge near my house the last month, the insanity that was the Stanford Reunion of sorts Friday night or the diet of Rockstar Energy drinks and Smirnoff the entire day on Saturday. It's been so strange to not be able to express myself because basically the last five years I have made a living by talking. Anyway since I can't really talk too much (or unfortunately belt out songs while I'm driving either), I've been forced to retreat into my head much more than normal. It's been quite interesting actually but in the end a few frustrating revelations have come about:

I'm stressed, maybe even troubled about this whole moving situation. I've never left the Bay. I've never been more than an hour from The Familia. The fact that I'm moving to Chicago in a few months is seriously weighing heavy on me. Don't get me wrong here. I am extremely excited and happy about moving. In a lot of ways though, it's just hard for me to grasp. When confronted with major change I tend to get overwhelmed. I've been thinking a lot about the people in my life (my family and friends) and how those relationships are going to profoundly change once I move. I wasn't thinking about all these deep things at all until sometime late into Saturday night. Not sure why my mind all of a sudden became so frazzled but let me tell you, it came at the tail-end of what can only be described as a Top 5 Weekend of All-Time.

Let me break down the festivities for you in 5 or less sentences! On Friday, the Oakland A's won their series against the Twins, I went to Happy Hour with Rones and Ritz in the city, then went to Singhma Coots birthday party, which ended up being more of a college reunion. Opened my eyes around 8 AM Saturday morning, partook in an early morning delirious laughter session, ate delicious MEXICAN taqueria food for breakfast, and rolled down to the Marina. The NAVY was in town for their annual airshow. We arrived a couple hours early, watched Stanford football at a bar, drank FREE Rockstar and Smirnoff all day and if that wasn't enough we snuck into a roof party for the actual airshow. Mafternoon peaked as I sipped tasty beverages on a roof overlooking the Bay, with Blue Angels screaming directly overhead, a DJ (that actually played my resquests) and ladies and gentlemen, a huge TV with the Tigers/Yankess game on it. Seriously it was one of the most euphoric situations I've ever been in. My buddy leaned over and said, "Vaman it can only go downhill from here for us." That night I saw just about everyone I lived with in college for some classic Karaoke and Bobbito's birthday party. I just sat at karaoke and felt so blessed for all the things in my life.

Sometime between the end of the night and going to sleep, my mind began an intense marination session, which has yet to stop. Maybe it was that I realized that I won't be around all these people I love so much anymore. Maybe it was because I had soo much fun that I was just having fun withdrawal. Whatever it was, it left me with a feeling of want. A feeling of wanting order again. Why can't we just relish in the things that we do have? I'm so focused on what's to come that I've lost sight of enjoying the things I do have before I leave. It reminds me of a quotation that I often marinate on.

"The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; The wise grows it under his feet."

I'm doing a little bit better with staying focused on enjoying life in the Bay Area before I leave. The mind is still all over the place and it's still thinking a lot about uncertain things. Argh. I really believe that cultivating and growing the things around you can get you where you need to get. Did that even make sense?

Anyway, here's a video that made me feel bad about my dilemna. This video really blew my mind and made me feel thankful.

My last year in college, I finally sacked up and decided to deliver a spoken word piece at our annual poetry slam. I'm including it below because looking at it reminds me who I am and where I come from. It sounds a lot different when recited but hopefully it gives you some insight into me.

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I'm the guy that's asleep on the couch when you come down for lunch because
I'm the guy that spent the entire night talking to Jimi, Dee and Dev about life.
I'm the guy that feels comfortable speaking in front of thousands of strange people but
I'm also the guy that has trouble finding the right words in front of that special girl I have my eyes on.
I'm the guy that still visits his high school because he's afraid of forgetting his past.
I'm a guy who has many things to teach but much more to learn.

I learned about religion from Chuck and Nathan, who are steadfast in their faith but also open-minded.
I learned about attitude from Kurt, who is positive and optimistic no matter what cards life deals him.
I learned that I like sweet girls from SB, who was motivation enough for me to run long distances in high school.
I learned to be the professional dancer that I am today from my sisters, who always forced me to dance at family parties.
I learned not to take life for granted from my grandma, who cries on my birthday because she's afraid that it might be the last one she will see.
I learned to value people again from my cousins in India, who have nothing but each other, which is really all they need.

I believe that having a positive attitude can really change everyday of your life and
I believe that we're all not completely honest with ourselves and
I believe small acts can have a profound impact on the people around us and
I believe the world would be a much better place if people were more empathetic towards one another and
I believe our generation not only has an opportunity but an obligation to bring about positive change to the World.

Who are the people that have made you who you are?
What have you learned?
What do you believe?
I know that it's people like you who have made me the man I am today.... a Vaman to be exact.

The Magician in You

2006-09-29T00:35:00.000-07:00

Tonight was my sister's wedding anniversary so I went out with her and my brother-in-law to a Middle Eastern joint to relax. He loves coffee so we got some Turkish coffee, which apparently is ridiculously strong (at least to someone that never drinks caffeine.) Needless to say I feel caffeine drunk right now. I could probably run outside and pick up my car if I wanted to do (my arms would probably rip off first but how crazy a story would that be?) Anyway the night got me to thinking about what I refer to as “everyday magic." It's funny how we as humans get super excited about big events in our life. We hype up for months proms, weddings, sporting events, parties, blah, blah, blah but when I think about my own life, the most memorable moments (the ones you would tell your kids about) are the off the cuff, simple moments, when people just made the most of life. You know what I mean when I say that? I was thinking about this when I was hanging out with my little cousins. An afternoon hanging with little kids is equivalent to the feeling I get at like five nights out partying. Okay, maybe that's an exaggeration but.... you get the idea. Instead of continuing this dissertation, I would like to tell you a story that is very dear to me that is along the same lines. An experience of “everyday magic” if you will. Are you ready? You better sit down for this….

It was the Summer….. yes, circa 2005 (if I remember correctly) in India.

I had been to the Motherland the year before so I was pretty well acquainted with the locals and such. We stay in a really small town. There are basically only two roads that are named after the larger towns they lead to. Everyone in the town knows one another and my family have lived there for many, many generations. Our house is right in the middle of the main road so many cars and people are constantly passing the house. It's kind of a funny dynamic for me because I can speak Konkani with my relatives but everyone else in the town speaks either Kannada or Thulu. I know many of the townspeople but communicate with them in really shitty Kannada or basically sign language (since no one there speaks English). I usually converse for about 30 seconds with people and we just laugh and enjoy the awkwardness. Anyway, that's the town in a nutshell.

It was the night before my cousin's wedding. He was really excited and a lot of people that had moved away from the tiny town were back for the wedding. Anyway, my cousins love music and they love dancing. We put on some hip beats in their upstairs bedroom and me and a bunch of cousins were getting our groove on. Steps that rivaled things seen on MTV's the Grind back in the day were engaged in. Lots of bhangra moves and such were also seen in that room. We danced and laughed for a while but we wanted to crank the music. Frankly my cousins wanted more space to get jiggy in. So the groom's brother suggested moving the boom box to the front patio (that is street side mind you). The groom (who is quite traditional) was really against the idea. We moved the boom box anyway. We were about to plug it in and my aunts and uncles came out and were really appalled at the idea. Here's some background on that:

The Konkanis (we're Konkanis) in the town are really traditional. When we would go to functions at the local school lots of other people would dance but the Konkanis would just sit and watch. They kept saying that only drunken people dance and even if you're not drunk, people will assume that you are drunk. Another funny thing people would say is that, "Alsheek, ami dance kurnachee. The Christians-ani kurche." Basically that only drunk people and Christians dance in the town. They didn't want to be labeled like that I guess. So the front yard was out of the question. So we sat around and didn't know what to do. The party was over...... for a bit. Out of no where my cousin runs over, plugs the stereo in and a few people start dancing. Then a few more people start dancing. Before I knew it, all my cousins and little cousins were all dancing. The older folks came out to tell us to stop but my cousins didn't listen. So my whole family was dancing outside, totally in the open. At this point, the people dancing were mainly teenagers. My uncle, who loves to dance comes over and asks me if I want to have a couple drinks at a local bar real quick. We run over to the bar with a couple others, get pretty happy and roll back.

As soon as we come back, the dancing is at an all time high. People are creating new dance moves and just really having fun. Then the magical moment happened. Folks from town walked over and started dancing too. Before I knew it all my cousins friends were dancing too and a ton of people were on the street watching everyone dance. By the end of the night, my uncles, aunts, and even older folks were dancing on the patio with no inhibitions. Such pure enjoyment.

Kind of a Footloose moment eh? You think Kenny Loggins was smiling somewhere? So why did that moment strike such a cord with me? I think because it didn't take anything to produce. It was not planned. No one was trying to be cool. No one cared about what other people thought. It was pure. How often can we say that about things we do? We're always worried about how well a night is going. We’re always worried about our expectations for a certain event. We're worried about what this girl or that guy is thinking. All those thoughts were lost in us. We were all alive for those few hours. That's magic.

I think back to college. I went to tons of parties, went to tons of events, and had a ridiculous amount of fun. What do I remember though? Not the formals. Not the fancy dinners or crazy nights but I vividly remember all the nights when me and my fraternity brothers would sit in a circle for hours and play music with pots, pans, cups, and our hands while other people would come and dance in the middle of the circle. People who are shy. People who don’t even like dancing. People who felt safe to come outside their comfort zone. That's magic.

I guess we get so caught up in our routine and focus so much on these big events in our lives. We put unrealistic expectations on them that they can't live up to and all the while what we're really looking for is all around us in the people in our lives. Those moments when you get to act like a kid again. Those moments when you just sit around with you family the entire night and just act goofy. Those moments when you stay up all night just talking to a friend. All magic. I guess the best way to think about it is that most of our memories are like an Etch-a-Sketch drawing. Well developed at times, but after time and newer events they fade out. Magical moments are those moments in time that are vividly painted into our minds. So next time you get caught up in the anticipation for an event or are out with friends, remember that fancy dinners, posh clubs, and crazy vacations are great and often needed but in the end the “magic” we all seek is free.

Who Do You Want to Be?

2006-09-22T01:54:00.000-07:00

I went to a wedding recently where the groom's friends were ripping on him for always using Excel spreadsheets to make important decisions in his life. Over the year he put together these elaborate Excel files to decide which college to go to, which cars to buy, and as crazy as it sounds, he even put together a spreadsheet to decide whether or not to marry his wife. Most people in the audience were extremely weirded out and perhaps some of the uncles were impressed at his number crunching skills. Anyway, I was intrigued by the idea of quantifying life choices.

When I was in middle school, I was introduced into the world of Final Fantasy III for Super Nintendo. As funny as it sounds, the music, storyline, and gameplay are things that I am still reminded of all the time today. Final Fantasy falls into the genre of "Role Playing Game." For those not in tune with all things nerdy, Role Playing Games or RPGs are games where you usually start with a weak, simple character and throughout the game attempt the gain experience in all sorts of facets of the game world. At the outset of the game, you can't defeat any enemies and basically are able to succeed at nothing. So you try to get your character experience with fighting, magic, healing, or one of many other characteristics that makes each character special. So with some time, you have a couple characters that you have developed with different skills and expertise. Now, after marinating on the Excel spreadsheet idea for a while, the world of Final Fantasy III popped into my head.

(LIGHTBULB) Why not think of your life and your world in the same way you think of the character you control in a RPG. Develop yourself the same way you develop each character. Realize that each character is different and make choices based on what best suits your strengths. Think long-term but understand the baby steps and experience needed to develop each characteristic. And so my friends the RPG Lifestyle was born....

People hear me talking about the RPG Lifestyle all the time but usually think I'm just crazy. Here's the idea: One day, me and some buddies sat down and identified 4 or 5 characteristics that we would like to be better at. Some of the main categories were Communication (with family, friends, ladies, random people), Finance (spending, saving, investing), Home Economics (laundry and ironing, cooking, etc.), Image (personal hygiene, fashion), Fitness and Information (newspapers, books, etc.). Anyway this is a general summary of our brainstorms. Now each person makes a spreadsheet with each category and fills in the category with the subcategories. An elaborate point system was created and with each successful task completed you could move toward moving up in experience in that column. For example, maybe you get 5 points for every new dish you cook and 1 point for every repeat dish. For every 20 points, you move up a level in the Cooking Category.

Anyway, I was on the brink of launching this RPG Lifestyle to a test group to see what would happen but the point system got super complicated and difficult to understand. I'm working on it, so when it makes sense again I would love some volunteers.

Here's the point to this rant though:

Just by sitting down and creating these categories, my life changed. I wanted to try out the RPG Lifestyle because I could see my future. Two years from now I might have a sweet job and live in a fun place but as for ME and all the facets about ME, they were on a very static path. That needed to change so chalked something up with my friends and finished scoring systems for Fitness and Communication. Now I chose an arbitrary 5 points for every workout and some other random number for every personal email I sent to friends. The result: For about a month, I would wake up in the morning and literally be thinking, "Vaman, let's rack up some points today man." I would actually feel awesome when I had 10 freaking points or more by noon. It made my day feel worthwhile and I felt accomplished. I am a very competitive person too and this scoring system really brought about a game type feel to life. I was actively trying to make myself better and I could see my progress. It also forced me to think about what I was weak at and how I wanted to develop. I felt in control of my characteristics and I could decide how well-rounded I was to be. I felt empowered again.

The RPG Lifestyle is still in the works and the first experiment shall be launched soon I hope. It's a way of life. I would love if some of you wanted to help out. One idea was to keep track of points and levels online so everyone involved could motivate one another to get better. I think there is some communal potential there. More than that though I really think that the RPG Lifestyle can make our routine and banal lives fun again. We get into these boring routines and kind of forget that we can be as dynamic as we wish. Stay on the lookout for the RPG Lifestyle Launch and between now and then marinate on this..... Who do you want to be?

A Giant Kingdom of Little Things

2006-09-21T01:10:00.000-07:00

Being two sleeps away from my sister coming home for A WEEK, I can't help but think about all the little, tiny (at the time insignificant to them) things my sisters did and said to me when I was a youngin' that has had a profound affect on me. They were all little things that my sisters probably don't even remember doing but were that significant to me. I realize as I get older, that our little actions can have a profound influence on the people around us (sometimes even people we don't realize are around us).

Being the baby in the family there is 8 years between my oldest sister and me and 4 years between my middle sister and me. I know lots of other folks with a similar family structure and the result was the oldest and middle child being close or the middle and youngest child being close. Anyhow, ever since I can remember my sisters were never too cool for me. When I was in elementary school, my oldest sister would take me everywhere with her. She would even take me out with her friends. She would take me bowling when they went bowling. She would take me to housewarming parties. She would even have her guy friends come over and play basketball with me. I can't tell you how cool this made me feel hanging out with REAL high school kids! As I grew older, my oldest sister left for college and I became a middle schooler. My middle sister would take me to high school events with her and really got me interested in volunteering. She even said something to me back then that I still think about all the time. She drilled into me that I should never do anything to make my resume look better, if my heart is not into it. To always do things because I truly want to do them. The point here is not to get all cheesy or give my sisters any props..... sorry. The point is when you're in the midst of things you don't realize how profound an influence you can have on the people around you.

So what was the result of my sisters' actions? You better believe when I was in high school I wanted to return the favor to the other kids around me ten-fold! Whether it was the freshmen when I was a senior (not the freshmen girls... don't worry) or the little Konkani kids at family parties..... I still feel like I owe them something because of the way I was treated by older people around me when I was growing up.

Besides random family acts of random kindness, marshmallows, and rainbows this idea of the profoundness of little actions goes much further. I went to see His Holiness the Dalai Lama about 4 years ago in Mountain View, California. He said many, many profound and amazing things. Many people were moved to tears (as was I) and he had a special aura about him. Yet above all of this, the one thing that I will always remember about his speech.... not the big words..... not his final statement... but the fact that every time someone changed the glass of water on his podium, he stopped his lecture, turned his head and personally thanked the person that brought the glass of water. An hour lecture and his ten second action, spoke louder to me than anything he actually said.

While in Vegas last week, I met a guy (who's now a good buddy) who at first impression was an angry looking dude with tattoos and dreads. We went to the local store together to buy some candy and gum. He reached the counter and his total was something like $2.15. He dug 3 bucks out of his jean pocket and threw it down on the counter. Almost before the bills hit the counter, he quickly picked up the money, organized it, and instead placed it in the cashier's hand. When no one was watching, he decided to do the polite, helpful thing. To me that says more about his character than someone who is outwardly gregarious all of the time.

How about the time when a new acquaintance not only remembered your name but actually said it? What about when that lady or fella you had your eye on said your name for the firs time? Ooooh Weee. How about when you visit family and they make your favorite dish for you without you asking? How about the random email your friend sent you just to say they were thinking about you? Huh? How about that?

Randomly one day on the way home from high school my senior year, I saw one of my friend's little brothers walking home. Anyway, I stopped my car and picked him up since his house was on my way home. He was a freshman at the time and a super-duper sweet kid. I dropped him off and he thanked me, even though I didn't really do anything. A year later at Stanford, I got a hand-written letter from him and in the letter he wrote that he remembered how I had helped him out that day. Now that is a special example but I didn't really do anything and he still remembers it. The little things are so profound much of the time because they're things that people do inherently. They're not looking for the ends but rather are just acting natural. I know that I have had awful days when just seeing a little kid waving to me or having a friend run up to me to say hi has totally changed my mood.

I think we have the power to have profound positive affects on one another and we don't utilize it enough. So should you email a random person everyday? Should you leave a note on your friend's car for them to find on their way to work? Should you take that youngster under your wing and show them some direction? Perhaps. In about 10 minutes, think about how many peoples' moods you might change. Little actions with a profound impact. Think about it…

The Family

2006-09-10T15:36:00.000-07:00

Is there something that you think about everyday? What is it? Marriage? Your job? Not wanting to workout today? Before college, my answer most likely would have been either femaliens or my future. Within the last few years, without a doubt the answer is my family in India. Sometimes it's when I get out of the shower in the morning. Sometimes it's right before I go to bed at night. Sometimes it's even a familiar smell that enters my nose. Regardless of what's going on... they are on my mind at some point each and everyday. I bring this up because my concept of "family" has evolved greatly throughout my life and exponentially over the last 3 or 4 weeks.

Growing up, I didn't really have any relatives in the States and those few we did have, we were not close to by any means. So family meant parents, grandmas, and my two older sisters. We went to India every four years so as a youngster I was never super close to my relatives in the Motherland. The first evolution of my concept of family came towards the end of the time period that historians will come to call the The VLoveless Era (also known as Junior year at Stanford). I was stressed about ladies, school and my future. I forgot how to enjoy the little things in life. I forgot who I was and where I came from. I decided to spend a quarter in India with

my relatives and was forever changed at the core. For the first time, I felt like I knew where I came from. I felt like I was apart of something bigger than myself. I felt the enjoyment of people again rather than material things. I returned to school and the concept of family felt bigger than ever to me. Yet the evolution was not stable.

Fast forward to a couple months ago. I sadly realized that once I start working full-time, trips to India are going to become extremely infrequent. Without interaction and the occasional touch, people move on with their lives. With this still on my mind everyday, I found myself at the Konkani Convention in Canada. During a youth seminar, I was trying to explain to everyone what the Konkani community has come to mean to me. It was at that moment that I realized that the community had fulfilled that void in me that yearned for an extended family. I began to think about my sisters and what constitutes "family." For those that know the Kamath Kids, we're like 3 peas in a pod but when we're not together we rarely have time to talk to one another. My sister in New York, I see maybe once a year (if that). But when we see one another it's as if no time has passed. So are family people that you can be apart from and yet reunite in stride? That's what blew my mind. Many of the Konkani kids I see maybe once a year (if that) but that's exactly how I feel about them. I think about many of them on the daily. Many have had an enormous influence on my life. So is that not family? (Konkanis! ----->)

If my head had not already been affected, I began to think about my friends growing up and my college buddies. Many of them have had gigantic influences on my music tastes, the way I dance, the way I view the world, sports I like, the girls I'm into, etc. They are also a huge part of the person I have become and when it comes down to it, they are VLove. So these people are also family right? I was getting overwhelmed. Apparently I have more family then friends? Anyway, the last evolution of family was yet to occur.

Two weeks ago, after what felt like a family vacation with some Konkanis, my buddy invited me to join his clothing company for a fashion conference in Las Vegas. Now..... the crazy part about this offer is that my buddy refers to his family as a Dynasty and refers to everyone involved with the company as The Family. Anyway, I was really flattered that he thought so highly of me to invite me to spend a week with The Family in a rented house in Las Vegas. I was going to stay in a house with about 20 people I had never met and who all thought of one another as family. For those that have known me for a long time, I'm sure you have forgotten how awkward I am especially around people I don't know. So I arrived to the house to find that I was so different than people in the house. I'm not that fashionable. I'm Indian. My hair is disheveled much of the time. Many of them grew up together or were related. In other words I was completely and utterly awkward. One week later, that house shook my thoughts about family again. The actual convention was filled with glitz, glamour, infinite video-ho looking ladies, celebrities...... but none of that even sticks to my mind. What was profound.... what was glorious was the dedication the members of The Family showed my buddy. Many of them refused to go out at night because they were here to focus on business (mind you many of them were 20-24 year old men in Las Vegas). Many of them offered to stay in to watch the kids so my buddy could enjoy himself. Many of them didn't have enough money to make it to Vegas but came anyway. They weren't all related. They weren't being paid. It was all love for the future of The Family. Anyway throughout the week they showed me a lot of love, told me they felt blessed to have me a part of the group, and really pushed the limits of what I believed could be family. They don't do it for accolades or money but for each other. That really struck a cord with me and I wish they knew how they affected me.

(<---------- The Esfac'e Family and Me)

Family isn't about blood. You might not talk to your family everyday but when you're around them nothing has changed. Family makes you feel apart of something bigger than yourself even when you're by yourself. Family helps us rise up and reach that much higher than we could have by ourselves. Family is selfless in its love. I feel very blessed that my family continues to grow in my mind... how about yours?

Life is a Symphony of Epiphanies

2006-08-03T02:54:00.000-07:00

I feel a little bit like Dave Chappelle right not. Not because I'm funny or rich or anything like that. I took sooo long to write my first post that I got to marinate over it quite a bit. It was quality for that reason and some people enjoyed it. Wow, talk about pressure. I need to come with quality material each time not just verbal diarrhea? Yikes people.

Speaking of pressure (awkward segue to weird you out), what are you doing with your life? Why are you wasting time reading this right now? You just finished complaining about your job on AIM, so why are you still there? I have had the last couple months to sit at home (where I am supposedly applying for jobs in a rent free environment) and I have had too much time to really marinate on life. When I say marinate, I am not just talking about a zesty Chaka's Mmmmm Sauce or orgasmic Soy Vay original recipe. (don't mess with Soy Vay Wasabi.. why change a good thing?) I am talking about some straight Southern, passed down ten generations through oral tradition type marinade. So with this bone suckin' marination process, have I come to any mind-blowing revelations? A few that I may write about later but one question continues to slowly eat away at my mind similar to the way you slowly eat away at those cold fries when you should just let the server take them away. The question my friends, what is vloves purpose in life?

About a year ago I had an intense conversation with my parents about where my life was going. My parents are very practical. They want me to find a good job (good = pays a lot... is secure.... and in the Bay Area) and they want me to get married and pop out lots of babies. After all my parents are Indian so they subscribe to that three step process. Anyway during the conversation I brought up the possibility of volunteering in India for a year or two and living in a village. Were they excited? Well, they chuckled a little and didn't take my proposition very seriously. They followed that up with the traditional importance of money lecture. I was very peeved. So I had to break out the heavy hitter. I verbalized in a booming voice, "The thing is if my life is just a stable job, marriage with children, living in a nice house and going to and from my stable job (this is ideal to a lot of parents I think).... I will be very disappointed in myself. Then I looked at them and said, “I consider that a failure.” They were shocked, confused and didn't know what to say. Anyway I went on to explain how India is a place that I am going to have an impact on and I feel like my purpose is bigger than normal expectations.

Don't get me wrong here. A great family life is of course a huge goal of mine. I would be very fortunate and blessed to just complete that goal. But aren't you and I expected to do more? I don't mean expected in terms of others expectations. I mean shouldn't our own expectations of self be way higher? Immigrant parents came here to create a better life for their children. They worked hard and created a life of stable jobs, marriages with children, and comfortable homes to cultivate our generation.

A family tree is just that, a tree. A tree grows and evolves and in its simplest form reaches toward the sky. So why are so many of us so complacent on the ground? Why are so many of us comfortable all the time? I am very uncomfortable (because I'm socially awkward) but more so because I am deathly afraid of mediocrity and complacency. I don't want to just be successful like our parents generations. Many of us have been given that base success just through our upbringing. Just like our parents gave up everything to help us get to the next level, shouldn't we look around us and help the next generation continue on to an even higher level? Shouldn't the impact of every consecutive generation be exponentially larger than the previous generation?

I've always believed that India has more to offer the world than most countries. I've seen the potential in language, culture, food, and almost every other facet of life. Yet India has sooo far to go to harness that potential. Wouldn't it be something for me, the son of immigrants that left India to give me a better life in America, to go back to the Motherland and help Indian children get to my level or how about even higher? What if I passed on the favor my parents did for me? Isn’t that the least I can do? Yet this vision of mine is just one dream in one head of one member of our generation. What’s yours? And what about the guy or girl sitting next to you? How is each one of us going to grow that family tree into the sky?

Let's not be complacent. Let's not get comfortable with mediocrity. Let's offer the next generation even more care than our parents gave us. After all, our parents worked hard to create a life of stable jobs, marriages with children, and comfortable homes to cultivate our generation. Well friends, it's time for the harvest.

Acts of Meaning

2006-07-21T01:58:00.000-07:00

Life is......difficult....beautiful....at times brutal and at times gentle..... and recently I've been feeling like life is extremely overwhelming. I've been wanting to start this blog for over two weeks now. While driving around I've had incredible ideas and subjects. I would sit at the keys and nothing would come to me. The ironic thing is I have been teaching public speaking for the last five years and I have to come up with lots of content every week. For some reason when I'm speaking, I don't worry about the words so much. When I write there is something more final about the words and in a lot of ways that's intimidating. My hope with this blog is that my personality and emotion shines through in these posts and that I provide substantial marinade for your mind.

I've been wanting to write about my extraordinary trip to Canada and the Konkani Convention for the last two weeks but couldn't find the correct way to express anything. Konkani Conventions are overwhelming in many ways. They're filled with friends you never see, family you've never met, and of course all the new people you want to get to know. Everyone talks about the withdrawal they get when they go home, well that's because the experience is so intense. Ever since I left Canada, something has been overwhelming my head but it's a feeling that I didn't get at the other conventions. Last night my mind was so scattered that I couldn't sleep until about 6 AM and even then no resolution. That is until today. The cause is made up of many things but culminated with something that will hopefully stay on my mind for a long time.

Let's rewind two weeks. The convention itself was amazing. It was well put together and well planned and I got to see sooo many people that I love and haven't seen in a long time. Sounds great Vaman? What's your problem? Well anytime I go to these large Konkani events, I inevitably become caught up in thoughts about relationships. Not about certain people but more about my distant future. Being on vacation after the convention didn't help this situation. I had so much chill time the days following the convention that I spent a good deal of it in my own head. Thinking about the future and stressing about future relationships or perhaps the lack of relationships. This of course moved me right into stressing about my job search. So in other words, I became entirely overwhelmed by these thoughts. Canadian Konkanis were able to overpower even my over-analyzing mind and made the last few days in Canada sooooo memorable.

One of our last nights there, a bunch of us went into Toronto to go clubbing and crash in a downtown hotel. The night was amazing to say the least. I finally got to spend time with friends that had been so busy during the entire convention. We had a two dollar drink deal most of the night and our hotel was walking distance from the club. We ended the night by going to a short concert, eating delicious street meat and ending up back at the hotel. Needless to say we don't mess around so we drank and sang old slow jams in our room until about 5 or 6 AM. At this point everyone had passed out for the most part.

In my drunk state I became so overwhelmed by everything on my mind I needed to get some fresh air. My plan was to walk to the harbor where I would sit and watch the sunrise. As I walked out of the hotel, I quickly had no idea where I was going. I stopped some random kid on his bike. He pointed toward the harbor and if I wasn't drunk that probably would have ended our interaction. I looked down at his bike handle and I noticed a blue hankerchief tied around his wrist. I grabbed his hand and asked him what that was all about. He explained that he was part of the Crypts. I'm not sure what most peoples' reaction would be in this situation and I'm not sure in a normal state of mind what mine would have been. I yelled at him. I got incredible upset and pissed off. I went off on the kid saying things like "how can you buy into something that you didn't even start?" "I'm from California. How could that gang have come this far." He said he joined because he was tired of being pushed around by other kids and wanted some backup. I didn't calm down and continued to berate him with questions. His name was Al and he said he was from Jane and Finch (one thing I've been told about Toronto is that I should never go to Jane and Finch because it's a dangerous place). He told me that he had no where to go and might as well walk with me to the harbor.

It was such a beautiful morning. The sun was out and there was no one else on the street.
So the gang member from Jane and Finch and I ended up walking around Toronto and on the harbor front for about 3 hours together and then ate brunch together at a really nice hotel on the water. As we walked into the swanky hotel everyone stared at us. The gawking was very blatant and in some ways I felt like I was protecting this kid from their misconceptions. We grabbed a ton of food from the buffet and sat and talked. We talked and talked and as our conversation went on, I came to learn that Al's dad was a super wealthy man in the Middle East (oh yeah Al is Middle Eastern by the way) and had decided that he no longer wanted children and abandoned them in Toronto. Ever since then he's been living with his Mother and sister in Jane and Finch. That's when I realized the appeal of gangs. They offer people the ability to feel apart of something bigger than themselves. They make them feel apart of a family.

I continued to pester Al about why he would join a gang and finally he gave me a new answer. He said his mom wasn't looking after the family very well and he wanted to make sure his sister was protected as she grew older. So this gang member from Jane and Finch went from a person that society deems as someone that's dangerous and wants to hurt people, to someone that truly believes that joining a gang is the only way to make sure the people he loves don't get hurt.

I was overwhelmed by this whole exchange. As we finished our meal and the hotel overcharged me (bastards!), something crazy happened. Al reached down and took off his hankerchief. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "Listen man, I don't want anything to happen to you. Someone might see us walking together and shoot us both up." I responded by saying, "No man leave it on. Leave it on. That's association. That's exactly what's going to happen to you when one of your boys runs up on someone and then they retaliate by killing you. You hate hurting people but your association with people that do is going to get you killed." He refused, took of the hankerchief and walked me part of the way back to the hotel.

I seriously had to get away from him at this point because I was about to start crying. I felt like a complete asshole. An asshole who felt bad for himself over non-existent relationship stuff and a job hunt. Al has nothing yet stands tall and I've been given everything yet complain about the few things I don't have.

A quotation I saw on a friend's profile has been bouncing around my head for a while now. It reads: "The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; The wise grows it under his feet." I thought it was very profound and spoke to me. It made so much sense to me.... until I met Al. The problem with the quotation is what about the man that has nothing under his feet to begin with?

Al is an artist. Al loves to draw. Al has passion for things many of us only dream about. Yeah, I realized what has been bugging me after all. As people with more than enough growing below our feet, don't we have a responsibility to offer those less fortunate a place to stand? A place to grow? Perhaps it's our generation that finally makes some space for Al. Since in the end this "gangster" from Jane and Finch is really only trying to make space for his sister.